Powering up the printer…
Printer: “Oh, hey buddy. What are we doing today?”
Me: “I need to print out this Christmas list,”
Printer: “Oh, you’re going Christmas shopping? How fun! Do you want this in color?”
Me: “No, black and white is fine,”
Printer: “Are you sure? Cause it looks like the headings are in color and that would be so festive,”
Me: “Just print it in black and white, please. And don’t tell me you’re out of ink again,”
Printer: “Hmmm… sounds like someone is a liiiiitle cranky this morning. Let me go ahead and print this so you’ll feel better,”
Loud noises, time passes.
Printer: “Okay, here you go! Have fun shopping and try to work on that attitude,”
Me: “This is terrible. I can’t read any of this,”
Printer: “Gosh, I don’t know what that could be. You must be doing something wrong,”
Me: “Let’s run some diagnostics,”
Printer: “Okay, but I’m pretty sure this is your fault,”
Me: “Just do a nozzle check,”
Printer: “Alright. I’m going to need a sheet of paper, though,”
Me: “You have plenty of paper,”
Printer: “Are you sure?”
Me: “Yes, I can see it,”
Printer: “Right, right. Okay, here you go,”
Me: “This is also terrible,”
Printer: “I don’t know what you want from me. I’m just doing my job,”
Me: “Sigh. Okay, try a head cleaning,”
Printer: “I don’t see how that will help, but it’s up to you. Give me a few minutes,”
Time passes.
Printer: “Okay, I’m done. You want another nozzle check?”
Me: “Yes, and before you ask, you still have plenty of paper,”
Printer: “Fine. Okay, here you go.”
Me: “Hey, this looks really good. Let’s go ahead and get that list printed out,”
Printer: “Are you INSANE? I have an update to do!”
Me: “Could we do that after we print?”
Printer: “No! It’s firmware! I need it to LIVE!”
Me: “Fine, fine. Jeez. Go ahead,”
Printer: “Oh, and I’ve got a couple teeny tiny software updates to do too,”
Me: “Whatever,”
Update starts.
Setup Wizard: “Verily, I shall be thy guide throughout your update adventure. If it pleases thee, now is when yon printer should be turned off and the queue of printing should be barren,”
Me: “Turn off? Okay,”
Powering done the printer.
Setup Wizard: “THOU HAST FAILED! Yon printer must be turned On to update the firmware, feckless knave,”
Powering back on.
Printer: “What the hell was that? Why did you turn me off?”
Me: “The wizard told me to turn the printer off,”
Printer: “Oh. Oh. The Wizard told you. Nice job, Harry Potter. You thought you could update a device – with the device turned off? Nice. “
Me: “I was just doing what…”
Printer: “You know what? I got this. And I can turn myself off and back on just fine. When I’m ready,”
Me: “Fine,”
Printer: “Why don’t you go read a book or something? Noob,”
Time passes.
Me: “I saw you power cycle. You ready to go?”
Printer: “Does it look like I’m ready to go? I’ve still got 2 software updates to do. Oh, and thanks for asking how my firmware update went. I mean, I could have bricked myself, but I know you don’t really care,”
Me: “Could we skip the software updates? I really want to get going,”
Printer: “You really want to do this now? After all we’ve been through today?”
Me: “No, I guess not. I’m sorry,”
Printer: “I didn’t think so,”
Still more time passes.
Printer: “Oh, man, that felt great. I feel like a million bucks! Hey, I could print you a million bucks, if you want. I’ve got plenty of ink I could mix to make green,”
Me: “No, just print the list please,”
Printer: “Color?”
Me: “No, just… can you just please print it?”
Printer: “Sure thing, sure thing. Okay, ummmmmmmmmm… here you go!”
Me: “Hey, this looks really good. Might be your best work yet. Thanks. Think you’ll do this well next time I need something printed?”
Printer: (low, sinister chuckle) We’ll see.