I really thought it was the stir-fry. 

Jim had leftovers and I was on my own for a Wednesday dinner.  I went to a bookstore and bought some more reading material, then went to a stir-fry and yogurt place. I ordered my usual with tofu and broccoli – adding in cilantro and pepper flakes for a kick, along with sweet soy sauce. 

It was, as usual, delicious. 

But at around 4 AM, I woke up with an urgent need to use the bathroom.   I grabbed some good bathroom reading and took a seat. 

And it was…explosive.  (sorry) When I was finally done, I flushed, washed my hands thoroughly, took some pepto, and went back to bed.  

Thursday morning I still wasn’t feeling 100%, but I went on into work. I found a disused bathroom to defile later that morning and had another bout late afternoon. 

Jim texted me that the cafeteria where he works was offering “walking tacos” and did I want one?  They say hindsight is 20/20, but I really knew then it was a bad idea. But, he doesn’t often offer to get dinner and I didn’t want to turn him down.  

So, I ate the taco. 

At around 2 AM, I was up again with more diarrhea.  I went downstairs to get some water when I was done and got nauseous.  I made it to the downstairs bathroom and while I was squatting there throwing up my tacos, the pressure made me soil myself.  (sorry, again) Not a lot, but any is too much. 

When I was done throwing up, I went back upstairs and washed out my underwear and then washed myself.  Hoping that was the last of it, I put on clean underwear and went back to bed. 

I woke up at my regular time on Friday and I was in bad shape.  I didn’t have anything on my calendar and would have worked from home that day anyway – so I set my out-of-office and sent an email to take a rare sick day. 

I then spent all day Friday mostly napping.   Jim got me some gatorade when he got home and I worked my way through that. 

For dinner, I had some crackers and yogurt – under the assumption that my gut biome was trashed and needed rebuilding. 

I was down for the count most of Saturday, but by Sunday I was feeling a little better. Jim thought it might be the stomach parasite that was going around and wanted me to get an appointment with a doctor to get checked. 

On Monday I was back online and working from home – and managed to get an appointment for later that day.  I logged off early and headed across town. 

I did the pre-check-in, paid my co-pay when I arrived, and sat to wait.  They called Anthony right away, but it was a different Anthony and I sat back down.  Then they called Anthony again and this time it was for me.  They took me back to a cubicle to check my temperature, then back out to the waiting room.  Then I got called again and saw a nurse to get my BP and go over my symptoms, then I waited again for the nurse practitioner. 

When he showed up we went over my symptoms and the timeline.  And then the only good part of the whole experience happened. 

I told him I’d been living on crackers, gatorade, and yogurt.  He said that they don’t suggest dairy for stomach issues like diarrhea and nausea.  I counted with, “Well, I was thinking about restoring my gut biome.”

He paused for a moment to take that in, then said,

“That’s not a bad idea.  But, too much of the lactobacteria can be bad too,”

Yeah, whatever.  

He then told me that to be sure of what was going on, they would need to send a sample to a lab to be tested and I could pick up the kit that day and get the results 2-3 days later. 

The visit concluded, I was directed to the checkout where I made arrangements to get the sample kit.  The system took a few awkward minutes to catch up, then she sent me to lab work window. 

They handed me a bag with the kit and explained what I needed to do to collect the sample and return in.

I reluctantly took the kit and headed home. 

Monday night, before I went to bed, I felt like I needed to use the bathroom.  I peed first as instructed, flushed, and washed my hands. 

Then I had to put a disposable plastic bowl on the seat and sit on that.   The plan was to poop in the bowl, then transfer the sample from there.

I got ready to go, but instead of another liquid mess, what came out was mostly solid.  It was difficult to pass and I had to sit at a weird angle to do it.  When I thought I was done I moved the bowl and cleaned myself up. 

Then, the transfer. I had two little vials with liquid that had small spoons in the lids.  I needed to use the spoon to transfer the contents of the bowl to the vial until I filled it to a certain line.  Once the first was done, I did the second the same way.

Then there was another plain plastic cup with a lid.  I had to use a wooden spoon to transfer the rest of the sample to the cup, then seal it up.  

The bowl and the stick went in a trashbag and I washed my hands – a lot – again.  I took the trash outside and took a long shower.  The samples went in a bag and into the fridge. 

I got up early the next morning to drop the samples off before work.  The office opened at 7, but the lab area didn’t open until 7:30. It was a boring wait – aren’t they all? – with my bag of poop vials.

I was mortified to hand them over, but it was just another Tuesday for them. 

By Wednesday I had the results – though the first update from My Chart was negative. It was soon followed by a positive result and then a prescription text message came in.  

I had been planning a trip to Illinois to see family for the weekend and though I wasn’t looking forward to the drive I was looking forward to seeing everyone.  I started to feel worse that evening and decided not to go.  

Thursday, I started feeling much worse while working from home – though I did leave at lunchtime to pick the prescription.  I had to lay down a few times and make a bathroom run.  I also threw up again.  It didn’t help that the air was bad from wildfires up north. 

Friday, I was much much worse and though I wasn’t driving I still took the day off to rest. I needed it too – I was a mess.  The air was a little better on Friday, but I still spent the day indoors to rest.  I did get a call from the health department since the doctor had to report my parasite to the county.  They sent me a survey and by that point signs were pointing to lettuce served at Taco Bell – where I am a frequent diner. 

Saturday I lay around the house again, though I did go outside to get a little sun.  By degrees my poop started to recover and so did my strength.  I was also taking in more solid food – and yogurt – and starting to feel like myself. 

By Sunday I was well enough to mow the yard and Monday back online.

I’m still not quite 100% – but I can fake it well enough.  

I traveled this past weekend to see my niece for her birthday and then had another worrisome bathroom trip – though I think that was the pesto sandwich from Panera.

Through all of this, I had Jim worried.  It’s not like me to get sick – really sick – and I was down for the count more than once.  I also felt like my body was betraying me and my cast -iron stomach was letting me down.  

I guess, though, that my constitution protected me from the worst of it.  I was careful to keep my fluids up and got plenty of rest.  I didn’t end up in the hospital and only got a little dehydrated once.  

So, it could have been much worse.  And I can take or leave lettuce for a while.