Author: anthony Page 1 of 79

It looked like a giant puffball mushroom at the edge of the driveway. I saw it and managed to drive around it, then Jim and I went to investigate. Instead of a mushroom, it was a bird.  Jim took a picture on his phone and looked it up – it was a quail.  

Which made him worried. It’s not really native to our area and it has been domesticated to be bulkier and not fly as well.

Jim assumed that it was an escaped pet and was determined to catch it and try to find the owner on facebook.

So, while he watched it, I went inside to get a box.  Then back inside to get a bigger box.  We chased it around the next door neighbor’s yard and the neighbor across the street saw us and came over.  We weren’t making much progress except to find that it could fly – not well, but well enough to avoid us.

The across-the-street-neighbor said that the neighbor-on-the-corner raised quail and it must have escaped.  Across-the-street got the attention of On-the-corner – who had just gotten home – and reported what was going on.  On-the-corner came over and said it was really his wife that raised them – and that she may have let this one loose on purpose. It was violent to the other birds – he called her to confirm.

Meanwhile, Jim and I are still trying to trap it and Across-the-street is talking about “circle of life”.

His kids have startled it to the backyard of Next-door – who we haven’t seen in a few days – and On-the-Corner reluctantly follows.  Then he reports that it has vanished into the undergrowth.  

He’s done at that point and Across-the-street and his kids leave as well.  I go into our backyard and Jim goes into the Next-door yard to try and find it – but no luck.   It’s gone and on its own.

My big hearted Jim is now heartbroken.  He so badly wanted to save this bird that likely can’t save itself.  We have lots of wildlife in the neighborhood and some of them are predators.

But, even if we could catch it, we’re not set up to keep a bird – even really in the short term.  And that’s if we can find someone to take in a bird long term that has a violent history.

We haven’t seen the bird since and we’re assuming that it didn’t make it. 

We’re not happy with the On-the-corner neighbor anyway – he yells at his kids constantly – and this seemed heartless from his family. 

Jim’s empathy has been in overdrive since we lost Talbot – he was quietly distraught and went to bed early that night.

It wasn’t really about the quail.  Just the latest in a line of animals and people we can’t save.

Last week, our not-quite-a-VP announced a big push for everyone to do performance reviews. She was very excited about doing hers with the president and encouraged her direct reports to schedule time with her.

I’ve made no bones about my disdain for performance reviews.  A once a year  – or even once a quarter – goal setting is no replacement for day to day communication and feedback.  There’s also no raises tied to these – ever.  And no terminations or action plans – that is a separate operation.

So, after she wrapped up her announcement, my legendary candor kicked in.  I said,

“I already know the answer to this, but are these going to be tied to changes to compensation or promotions?”

She noted, with regret, that they would not.

“In the past,” I continued, “We’ve done these and nothing happened.  All the paperwork and goals, quarterly check-ins, and then a final follow up.  Then the paperwork gets filed and no one ever looks at it again.  We’ve also not done these and nothing happens,”

She sympathized with me and said she didn’t like busy work either, but noted that we had to do them.

And the conversation moved on.  Later, after the meeting, several people came up to me and thanked me for saying what they had been thinking.  I said if we had a choice between doing them and nothing happening and not doing them and nothing happening, the “not doing them” seemed like a better use of our time.

The week prior to that, I was remote and several people had been in a meeting room.  The technology set up is terrible and when sidebar conversations happened I called people out on that and asked them to take turns for the sake of those not in the room.  I got a few private messages for that in thanks – I quipped back “don’t make me stop this car”

Today was another meeting and my boss sent me a message asking for a call after it was done. When we spoke directly, he asked if I was doing okay because I seemed “more irritated than usual”

I told him the meeting was more useless than usual and I’m swamped with projects.  Nothing I can really hand off – even if there was someone to hand off to – and I resented the late attendees and idle chatter. 

I think I’m starting to push things.  Not on purpose, but just because I’m so tired that my filters are wiped out.  I’m turning into the cranky old man wanting the kids to stay off his lawn.

And yet, I’m still trying.  I dyed my beard so two of my coworkers and I could emulate the powerpuff girls.  I spent part of the weekend making butterflies for another coworker to share.  And I came up with a really fun idea for convocation – even though a co-worker did shit all over it. 

In August it will be 29 years at UA.  I’ve seen and done a lot – but I think I’m finally getting tired of the place. 

I really thought it was the stir-fry. 

Jim had leftovers and I was on my own for a Wednesday dinner.  I went to a bookstore and bought some more reading material, then went to a stir-fry and yogurt place. I ordered my usual with tofu and broccoli – adding in cilantro and pepper flakes for a kick, along with sweet soy sauce. 

It was, as usual, delicious. 

But at around 4 AM, I woke up with an urgent need to use the bathroom.   I grabbed some good bathroom reading and took a seat. 

And it was…explosive.  (sorry) When I was finally done, I flushed, washed my hands thoroughly, took some pepto, and went back to bed.  

Thursday morning I still wasn’t feeling 100%, but I went on into work. I found a disused bathroom to defile later that morning and had another bout late afternoon. 

Jim texted me that the cafeteria where he works was offering “walking tacos” and did I want one?  They say hindsight is 20/20, but I really knew then it was a bad idea. But, he doesn’t often offer to get dinner and I didn’t want to turn him down.  

So, I ate the taco. 

At around 2 AM, I was up again with more diarrhea.  I went downstairs to get some water when I was done and got nauseous.  I made it to the downstairs bathroom and while I was squatting there throwing up my tacos, the pressure made me soil myself.  (sorry, again) Not a lot, but any is too much. 

When I was done throwing up, I went back upstairs and washed out my underwear and then washed myself.  Hoping that was the last of it, I put on clean underwear and went back to bed. 

I woke up at my regular time on Friday and I was in bad shape.  I didn’t have anything on my calendar and would have worked from home that day anyway – so I set my out-of-office and sent an email to take a rare sick day. 

I then spent all day Friday mostly napping.   Jim got me some gatorade when he got home and I worked my way through that. 

For dinner, I had some crackers and yogurt – under the assumption that my gut biome was trashed and needed rebuilding. 

I was down for the count most of Saturday, but by Sunday I was feeling a little better. Jim thought it might be the stomach parasite that was going around and wanted me to get an appointment with a doctor to get checked. 

On Monday I was back online and working from home – and managed to get an appointment for later that day.  I logged off early and headed across town. 

I did the pre-check-in, paid my co-pay when I arrived, and sat to wait.  They called Anthony right away, but it was a different Anthony and I sat back down.  Then they called Anthony again and this time it was for me.  They took me back to a cubicle to check my temperature, then back out to the waiting room.  Then I got called again and saw a nurse to get my BP and go over my symptoms, then I waited again for the nurse practitioner. 

When he showed up we went over my symptoms and the timeline.  And then the only good part of the whole experience happened. 

I told him I’d been living on crackers, gatorade, and yogurt.  He said that they don’t suggest dairy for stomach issues like diarrhea and nausea.  I counted with, “Well, I was thinking about restoring my gut biome.”

He paused for a moment to take that in, then said,

“That’s not a bad idea.  But, too much of the lactobacteria can be bad too,”

Yeah, whatever.  

He then told me that to be sure of what was going on, they would need to send a sample to a lab to be tested and I could pick up the kit that day and get the results 2-3 days later. 

The visit concluded, I was directed to the checkout where I made arrangements to get the sample kit.  The system took a few awkward minutes to catch up, then she sent me to lab work window. 

They handed me a bag with the kit and explained what I needed to do to collect the sample and return in.

I reluctantly took the kit and headed home. 

Monday night, before I went to bed, I felt like I needed to use the bathroom.  I peed first as instructed, flushed, and washed my hands. 

Then I had to put a disposable plastic bowl on the seat and sit on that.   The plan was to poop in the bowl, then transfer the sample from there.

I got ready to go, but instead of another liquid mess, what came out was mostly solid.  It was difficult to pass and I had to sit at a weird angle to do it.  When I thought I was done I moved the bowl and cleaned myself up. 

Then, the transfer. I had two little vials with liquid that had small spoons in the lids.  I needed to use the spoon to transfer the contents of the bowl to the vial until I filled it to a certain line.  Once the first was done, I did the second the same way.

Then there was another plain plastic cup with a lid.  I had to use a wooden spoon to transfer the rest of the sample to the cup, then seal it up.  

The bowl and the stick went in a trashbag and I washed my hands – a lot – again.  I took the trash outside and took a long shower.  The samples went in a bag and into the fridge. 

I got up early the next morning to drop the samples off before work.  The office opened at 7, but the lab area didn’t open until 7:30. It was a boring wait – aren’t they all? – with my bag of poop vials.

I was mortified to hand them over, but it was just another Tuesday for them. 

By Wednesday I had the results – though the first update from My Chart was negative. It was soon followed by a positive result and then a prescription text message came in.  

I had been planning a trip to Illinois to see family for the weekend and though I wasn’t looking forward to the drive I was looking forward to seeing everyone.  I started to feel worse that evening and decided not to go.  

Thursday, I started feeling much worse while working from home – though I did leave at lunchtime to pick the prescription.  I had to lay down a few times and make a bathroom run.  I also threw up again.  It didn’t help that the air was bad from wildfires up north. 

Friday, I was much much worse and though I wasn’t driving I still took the day off to rest. I needed it too – I was a mess.  The air was a little better on Friday, but I still spent the day indoors to rest.  I did get a call from the health department since the doctor had to report my parasite to the county.  They sent me a survey and by that point signs were pointing to lettuce served at Taco Bell – where I am a frequent diner. 

Saturday I lay around the house again, though I did go outside to get a little sun.  By degrees my poop started to recover and so did my strength.  I was also taking in more solid food – and yogurt – and starting to feel like myself. 

By Sunday I was well enough to mow the yard and Monday back online.

I’m still not quite 100% – but I can fake it well enough.  

I traveled this past weekend to see my niece for her birthday and then had another worrisome bathroom trip – though I think that was the pesto sandwich from Panera.

Through all of this, I had Jim worried.  It’s not like me to get sick – really sick – and I was down for the count more than once.  I also felt like my body was betraying me and my cast -iron stomach was letting me down.  

I guess, though, that my constitution protected me from the worst of it.  I was careful to keep my fluids up and got plenty of rest.  I didn’t end up in the hospital and only got a little dehydrated once.  

So, it could have been much worse.  And I can take or leave lettuce for a while.

I’ve had the same internet service provider for decades – ever since I moved away from dial-up networking to high-speed cable internet.  That first plan was called OBEN – Ohio Broadband Education Network as a partnership between The University of Akron and Time Warner Cable. 

That became just Time Warner Cable and then eventually Spectrum cable. The legacy account keep me shielded from price increases for a while since it was too complicated to sort things out, but they updated things when I moved.   And over the past few years, they have increased the price. There’s also been an occasional increase in performance – but this is strangely never tied to an increase explicitly.

It was $85 for a while, then they bumped it up to $89, then $90. Seems high to me, but it was worth not having the hassle of changing.  Plus, the competitors had data caps or less reliable service.

Then, out of the blue, I got a bill for $100.  It had jumped another $10 with no notice. 

I girded my loins and got on the phone – looking for a reason.

First, I had to get through the automated system.  They told me the amount of the pending bill, then asked if I had any questions.  I clearly asked “why had the bill gone up?” and the system noted that it had increased by $10 to $100 and then gave me the due date.  I tried a few variations on the question and kept getting the same answer.  

Frustrated, I then asked for a representative, which it reluctantly transferred me to.  

When the human got on the line they verified my name and address, then wanted my security code.  This used to be on the bill itself, but that was too easy and convenient for the customer.  I had written it down before they took it off the bill, but didn’t have that in front of me.  

They could text it to me, but that seemed really dumb since they would be texting it to the phone I was calling them from – and I asked them to hold on while I went to find the code.  I knew where it was so it only took me a few minutes – but I was still annoyed about it and mumbled loud enough for them to hear that it was a dumb step.

Now verified as the account holder, I asked why the bill had gone up by $10 dollars. They noted an increase to “legacy” accounts from the middle of last month – though I didn’t get any notice of that. 

I grumbled a little about that, but before I could really get my dander all the way up the rep said they might be able to lower that and asked if I could hold on.

I was, of course, more than willing to do so.  And while I waited, I thought that it was an odd way to show loyalty to loyal legacy customers.  But, really, it’s all about nickel and diming the people that don’t want the hassle of change.    This might have been the last straw for me – data caps be damned.

The rep came back on the line and said she could reduce it to $80 and asked if that would be okay.  I agreed immediately and thanked her for checking.  She said that I would have to pay the full current bill – billing cycles and what not – but that the next bill would be for $80.  She said I would get a confirmation email but that it was essentially set.

I thanked her again for her help and I’m assuming just calling was enough to put me in the “we’ve got a runner” category. 

When I got the email confirmation I read the fine print (“Your immortal soul…”) and noted that there was a catch.  It was really down to $85 dollars – with an extra $5 off for a promotion for a year.  So, it will go back up again and I’ll have to make another call.  Or just live with reliable service and no caps for $85.

I was polite even when I was irritated and appreciative of the help.  I don’t really feel like it was a win, but I at least held my own.

As a side note, I did get a notice that we were being moved up from 400 mbps to 500 mbps download speed.  That didn’t seem to be a factor, but I was ready to try and find a lower plan if it had been.  

So, that’s that and I remain online. And fighting another day.

I eat out too much. I know this and I don’t care – it’s one small bit of usually someone being vaguely nice to me and handing me food. 

Sometimes it’s also a lousy experience – but recently, it was kinda great.

I had gone to McDonald’s to pick up dinner and I got a 4 piece chicken tenders for myself and a big mac and cookies for Jim.  It was evening and not their peak hours for dinner – so, they were a little off their game.  Though, that suggests they might sometimes be on their game and I don’t know if that is ever really the case.

So, it took a while.  I waited patiently – because there was literally nothing else I could do -and folded a bit of paper while I stood there.

When they finally brought my food the staff person said she put extra tenders in there for me since it took so long.   At home when I opened the bag I found not one four-piece – but two three-pieces of tenders.  And instead of two cookies for Jim, there were two packages of two cookies. I think the fries were bigger than I ordered too.

So, I had enough for two meals for myself.

A few days later I was at Arby’s for dinner.  Similar situation, off hours and not on their game.

The assistant manager was trying to hurry things along and it was not going well. I didn’t have anywhere else to be and just waited quietly.  At one point he said that it had taken so long to get the sandwich ready that the potato cakes were no longer fresh – and it would be a few more minutes for a fresh batch.  He offered to throw in a turnover, but I declined.  It really wasn’t that big of a deal.

When they gave me my food order they also gave me a coupon for a free sandwich for my time  When I got home, I realized they had given me a large order of a potato cakes and had doubled the meat on my sandwich.   I got two meals out of that trip as well.

I guess they are used to people losing their shit when they have to wait and it was so remarkable that I didn’t that they rewarded me.  

Patience, I guess, for the win.

I had to pick up a prescription at CVS yesterday and when I got there I went back through the entire store to get to the pharmacy. I did not pick up any popcorn, toy firetrucks, shave cream, or holiday decorations – because I’m a model of restraint. 

Instead of waiting in line and being called, there were stations set up along the counter with a kiosk.  I approached an empty one – they were all empty, slow day for drugs – and it suggested I scan my barcode or sign in.  I had a text message with a link so I tapped that – and it tried to get me to download the CVS app.

Folks, I’m not a programmer, but I could write an app that generates a barcode on a webpage like an adult without needing an app.

No thank you, CVS. 

I bail out of that and proceed to sign in.  And as expected, it’s as much of a pain in the ass as it can be.   The last few questions appeared to be a survey or some nonsense and a clerk was already on her way to the counter with my perscription.

I had to re-verify my identity again – not sure what the point of the 3rd degree from the kiosk was all about – and she gave me the total.

$2.42

For small transactions, it seems silly to use my card if I have cash.  And I did that day.

I handed the clerk three singles and she took them and handed me my change and my receipt.

“We’re out of pennies so it’s $.55”

I took my prescription and started to walk away – then stopped in the aisle.

My change had been rounded down and my prescription now cost three cents more. 

In the grand scheme of things, 3 cents isn’t going to mean much for me either way.

But, for CVS, that is going to add up.  Just like that weird plot in Superman III.

I got charged a fee for using cash.  Which is, I suppose, the point.  People less well off are more likely to use cash and not have credit cards.  They may also be older.  So, if a corporation is going to rob someone, that’s the best set of victims – if you’re evil.

And CVS, well, yeah…

Sort of canceling the transaction and making a scene, there was nothing to be done on my end. It wasn’t the clerk’s fault they didn’t have pennies – unless it was her turn to go to the bank – it was the government finding a new way to screw people over.

3 cents at a time. 

I was mowing the grass this afternoon and as I went past the mulched flower bed I noticed a large brown mushroom growing there.

“Cool,” I thought, “I need one of those,”

And then I stopped and tried to figure out why I needed a brown mushroom.  I certainly wasn’t going to eat a brown mushroom growing in the mulch – sounds like a good way to die horribly.

After a moment, I figured it out.

I did need a brown mushroom.

In minecraft.

To combine with sugar and a spider eyeball to make a fermented spider eyeball.

I had come across a wandering merchant that was selling some nice stuff, but I didn’t have any emeralds.  He would give me an emerald for a fermented spider eyeball and I had everything I needed for that – except the mushroom. I made a mental note to keep an eye out for one and I guess I found it.

Though, I’m not sure how I’m going to get that to my crafting table.

Might be time to scale back on Minecraft for a bit.

My car has been making a rattling noise.  It’s loudest when I first start the car and then intermittently when I accelerate.  It oddly got a little better for a while, then it got worse.

I put off getting it checked – my car is a 2012 and I was worried about the expense – but I started to get self conscious about how much noise it was making.  I was also worried something would fall off while I driving down the highway. Or that the car would explode.

I planned on taking it to the dealership since I have a trip coming up soon and wanted it to be reliable, but even though I planned ahead there were no appointments until the middle of the week – when I would be expected to be in the office. 

So, I decided to try Midas again.  They are close enough to walk to and had a Saturday morning appointment available.   I booked it, got up early, and rolled into the shop – rattle and all – right on time.

They took my keys to bring the car in to check things out and I settled in with my book.  A few minutes later one of the technicians came in and told me it was the heat shield on the exhaust system that was loose.  It is secured with not-well-designed clips and while they could tighten, it would likely come loose in a few months again. Or, they could just remove it.

Since I don’t know neither diddley nor squat about cars, I asked what the consequences were on just removing it.  The answer was none – if it had been the heat shield on the gas tank they would have to replace it for safety.  But for the exhaust heat shield, no consequences. 

I gave them the green light to remove it and settled back down to read.

A few minutes after that, they were pulling my car around and I got up to pay. 

Instead, they handed me my keys and told me they weren’t going to charge me since it was just the heat shield.  They asked instead that I write a nice review for them on google – which I plan to do.

So, I rolled out of the shop after 23 minutes with a re-quieted car and no bill.  Who would have guessed?

I started going to a new dentist when we moved to our new home – though not right away.  I had stopped going to my prior dentist since it was a) now far away and b) the hygienist was so rough on me that my head would ache the rest of the day.  Also, the dentist was dismissive of me.

So, new town, new dentist.  And this one was only a few minutes away.  At the first appointment they noted my teeth were being worn down – which correlated with my morning headaches and sore jaw.   The dentist recommended that I get a bite guard to wear at night so I got measured for that.  With a device the size of an old TV remote they shoved in my mouth.

I got the guard – which was conveniently not covered by my insurance – and have been wearing it every night and cleaning it every morning.  It frequently makes me gag and some nights it has fallen out while I sleep.

The worst part is that it’s no longer doing the job 100%.

At my appointment this past week, the overly chatty hygienist  – seriously, it’s non-stop – was a little rougher on me with the picks and floss.  She was even rough with me on the polishing. I kept wincing in pain, but short of slapping her I’m not sure I could have gotten her to stop. No cavities, at least. 

When the dentist came in, I told her my concerns about the guard.  I was having bad headaches again in the morning and a sore jaw – even with the bite guard. 

She seemed concerned and poked around in my mouth for a few minutes.  Which included the only part of the whole experience that wasn’t miserable – she used a piece of gauze to get a good grip on my tongue to move it around and it was so silly it made me giggle. 

The result was that…they couldn’t do anything for me except give me a referral to a specialist.  Also close by, conveniently. 

And the referral was to treat me for TMJ – temporomandibular joint disorder.   Which I got diagnosed when I was a kid and told just stop chewing gum.

The morning after the appointment, I woke up so sore and with a headache that lasted hours.  Which is as clear an indication that I need to make an appointment as I’m going to get.

I dunno what I’m dreaming about, but it’s apparently stressing me out. 

There was a web comic a few years ago called Hyperbole and a Half.  It was a semi-autobiographical series done painstakingly in MS Paint by a very funny and odd woman. 

It was also my first exposure to the word hyperbole – which is basically a fancy way of extreme exaggeration. 

With my…well, let’s just tell it like it is…obsession with time, it makes sense that I would make liberal use of those in my conversations.  I’ve decided to quantify those measures below:

• Epoch = years ago, but feels like thousands of years
• Nanosecond = a few minute’s span of time
• 20 minutes = a wildly variable span of time – weeks to years – that feels like it was over before it started
• 100 years = another wildly variable span of time – hours to days  – that feels like forever.
• The rest of my natural life = any project without a clear deadline, but will take longer than I want to think about.

This blog, for example, feels somewhere between 20 minutes and the rest of my natural life.