visit, fatherhood, uncertainty

My sister, brother-in-law, and their family were in town last weekend on their way to a camping trip. My house was a good stopping off point in their trip and they arrived Saturday afternoon. My nieces enjoyed the park and we went out to dinner that evening, then had dessert and played games while the girls watched cartoons. They stayed the night, had breakfast with me in the morning, then got on the road.

I think everyone had a good time and even ThunderCat was well behaved. When they left on Sunday, though, the house was so very quiet. Almost aggressively quiet. Not that my nieces are ill-behaved, but they are little and little kids are lively.

The quiet, along with it being Father’s day weekend, got me thinking about family. I like where my life is and the shape it has taken for the most part, but I wonder if I had shaped it to include kids of my own. There’s a little part of me that wonders if things had been different – would I have been a good dad?

It’s not that likely at this point in my life, but… what if?

Would I have the patience for 24/7 dad? Would I raise smart and kind children? I like to think I would. And I really enjoy being an uncle to my nieces and to the kids of my friends.

And it’s enough. Most of the time.

I talked to my Dad on Father’s day and went with Jim to visit his father’s grave. I know a lot of fathers and I respect what they do – and I think my brother-in-law is doing an awesome job.

And sometimes I wish for just a little bit more.

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Work has been busy and stressful – and uncertain. The president announced recently that there would be layoffs. Not for cause, perhaps not tied to seniority or job title – just… arbitrary. A line item on the budget to be crossed off. Cold and cruel…there is really no other way to describe it.

I’ve been at the university for nearly 18 years and this is first time I’m afraid for my job. And at the moment, we don’t know anything – other than as many as 200 people may be affected. Or so the rumor goes.

So, we wait. And speculate. And worry. Will it be me? Will it be someone I know? What will I do? What will they do? Can I help? Can they help me?

I’m still putting in my 8 hours a day, still working hard to solve problems and help people, and dreading when we finally know.

Tomorrow I’ll be focused and working hard.

Tonight, though, I’m drifting.