I skipped Akron Pride this year.

I was ready to go, though.  I had picked out a nice outfit, had a plan to check out the booths and then get lunch in front of the mainstage – and likely take a selfie in front of the big flag while avoiding the “god hates fags” crew.

But an hour before I planned to leave, my plan fell apart.  

Jim didn’t want to go so I’d be by myself again.  I’ve lost touch with the people I might know there and I’m not good in social situations.  I’m too frugal (cheap) to get into the merchandise. 

And, well, I’ve been lonely…lately.   So the idea of being lonely in a crowd made me rethink my plan.  I stood there in the hallway, trying to motivate myself to go and I realized I was going because I was feeling obligated.  That just showing up and being counted would be enough.

I changed my clothes and heated up some pasta for lunch, then I went outside to work in the yard.  Lonely, but at least productive. 

Jim needed me to look after the dogs while he ran errands and so I sat with them – but then it started raining  I hurried back out to put my tools away – my backup plan for the day also ruined.

I didn’t do much today.   And I’m getting so tired of trying. 

I skipped Pride today and it’s a symptom of a larger problem.