Thunder of Wade

When I got off work yesterday, I was too pumped by the sunshine to go back indoors and swim.  Instead, I went home, changed clothes, and opened all the windows.  I cranked up the music and just relaxed for a while.  After I had some dinner, I called my friend and asked if he wanted some company walking his dogs.  He said he would and I walked over to his place and we took his two puppies for a walk.  Or rather, the dogs attempted to drag us around the neighborhood.  I had a nice time, then walked back home in the dark.  It was such a nice evening I almost hated to go back inside.

When it was time for my shower, I opened the door to the bathroom that leads out onto the roof.  I had the hall light on, but the bathroom light off – so, it’s unlikely that anyone could see me.  Not that I really cared, it was too nice to be cooped up, even for my shower.  I slept with the windows open and was grateful that springtime was finally here.

It was raining this morning when I got up, but that didn’t really dampen my spirits.  No, that didn’t happen until I was actually at work.  I had a nasty bit of paperwork to fill out that took most of my morning.  I very nearly ran out of bullshit – and I had always thought I had an inexhaustible supply.  I got through it, worked on several other projects, and even kept our student assistant busy. Which can be tough to do since he’s really fast with our various websites.

I swam after work – 30 laps – then Jeff’s sister started blowing up my phone.  She left two messages while I was swimming and then called again once I was done.  No new information and nearly unintelligible on the messages. She used to call Jeff all the time – I’m hoping she’s not going to try and transfer that to me.  Especially when she’s been drinking.  I’m pretty patient when it’s important, but I’ve also got some pretty serious limits.

So, I’m meeting with Jeff’s family on Sunday.  Bright and early – which roughly translates to 10, their time.  Going to be a long day.

I did 30 laps in the pool yesterday and 50 today.  Felt pretty good and would have gone longer but I had some errands to run this evening.

Yesterday I was the king of Mundania – groceries, laundry, and house cleaning.   I called my dad while I was getting groceries and talked a little about the service and he gave essentially the same answer as mom as to why he didn’t go.  Disappointing, but not entirely unexpected.  He told me I was strong, which was nice to hear, I guess.

Today, as I leaving the gym, Jeff’s sister called.  He hadn’t updated anything and I was still listed as the beneficiary.  Which is not great.  I figured that I would settle up with his siblings the money that he had owed me, reclaim a few items from the apartment, and then get busy healing.   Now, it seems I’m still right in the middle of things.

Wait…  apparently my next door neighbor is playing the bagpipes on his front lawn.  No idea why.    ….    Okay, he’s stopped now.

So, anyway, I need to get a lawyer and try and sort things out.  Other that the money he had owed me, I don’t want any of this  – nor the hassle.    By rights, this should all have gone to his family and I’m going to do what I can to make that happen.

I guess he thought he had plenty of time.  Or that things would go back to the way they were.  Just kind of makes me heartsick that he wasn’t able to move on at all.

I was back at work on Friday and the day helped me keep my mind off things.  That evening, I called my sister to find out how the ultrasound had gone.  It went well and they are having another girl.

I also told her that I was a little disappointed that no one from my family came to the service for Jeff.  She said that she didn’t realize that I wanted them to and that it would  have been awkward.

I talked to my mom later that evening and… well, that was not a conversation that I really enjoyed.   It was educational in a way, but kind of terrible.  The less said about that, the better – I guess.  I haven’t talked to my dad since before the visitation/service – don’t know his take on things.  They sent flowers – which was nice – but I really wish they had been there as well.

So, Friday was a bit of  downer – though I did get a mile in the pool.   Saturday was better.  I invited myself to help one of my friends walk his two dogs.  I got to check out the nearby park and we went for coffee/hot chocolate at starbucks.  While at starbucks, I made a paper crane for a little girl – she was pretty excited.   A lady got her coffee, left, then came back and put her hand on my friend’s shoulder  – and told him that he had a big  heart she could see from outside.  She then thanked him for being him and left.  A little strange, but pretty cool.    She didn’t acknowledge in the least – I guess my heart is as black as coal or something. At least she she didn’t try and put a curse on me – that I know of.

That evening, I met up with more friends for a trip to the season opener for the  Rubber City Rollergirls Roller Derby.  It was the first time I had gone to one of these and it was fun, but I had a difficult time following the rules.   They all had cool names – Jennacide, Shady Gaga, Dixie Von Doom and for all the knock downs, they seemed to be having fun.  Even the refs had cool names – the best was  The Goodyear Pimp.

We left partway though the second bout and went to Lockview restaurant.  They served gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches (not really my thing), but one version had mozzerella and pepperoni that I got without tommatos – it was pretty much a pizza sandwich and that suited me just fine.    The conversation was excellent and I had a lot of fun.   Afterwards, we went to a nightclub.  It was okay, but by this point I was pretty tired and didn’t stay too long.

This evening, I’m meeting up with a co-worker to have dinner with he and his family.  Or at least I hope so – this family has the most complicated schedule I’ve ever seen. This will be the third time we’ve rescheduled.  Looking forward to it and I hope thing work out.

So, when people ask me how I’m going, the answer I’m giving is that I’m hanging in there.  I know that over time the little moments of sadness will stop surprising me and that I’ll stop getting a twinge when I go near his apartment.

I’m going to do a little house cleaning today and maybe think about buying some paint.  Little projects to keep me busy is the way to go.

I got up early this morning, got ready in the gigantic and also overpriced hotel room, then had breakfast in the lobby and waited for the rest of the group to join me.  We went over to the funeral home where the service was going to be held. So began my morning of totally losing it over and over.  I would hold things back for a few minutes, then that terrible pressure would build in my sinuses and forehead and I’d fall apart.

I saw some more of Jeff’s family and his aunt took me aside and told me that whatever I was thinking, none of this was my fault and I did everything I could.  On the heels of the comments yesterday, that was pretty amazing.

The funeral directors were careful to include me in with the rest of his family – which did my heart good – and I sat with them through the service.  The pastor knew Jeff and had a good message; I’m always a little annoyed when the person trying to speak for someone deceased doesn’t know them, but this lady did a good job.    A couple of Jeff’s friends spoke and they did a nice job as well – there’s no way I could have gotten up there and said anything coherent.

After the service I sat in the room with the flowers for a few minutes and lost it again.  When I was finally under control – or as close as I was going to get – I followed the family to the luncheon.  The food was okay, the company was good, and the cake was excellent.  I had two pieces – figured I had earned them.

The drive back home is right around 2 hours and I had a lot of time to think.  Too much time, really, but no way around it.  At least it was raining – kept my attention and matched my mood.    I’m going back to work tomorrow and have promised everyone I’ll keep in touch – and I’ll be on hand to help when they go through his apartment.

I guess this is the part where I start to move forward, but all I really feel is numb.  I know it will take time and I really appreciate all my friends who have been so supportive and have had such amazingly kind things to say.

I miss him.

Thursday morning I got up, got dressed in nice clothes, and drove to Wheeling, WV.  I stopped for a bite to eat on the way and got to the funeral home at about 1:00.   Jeff’s family was already there and were trying to put pictures of him on display – though they could barely see because of the tears.  I broke down when I saw them – and even more so when I saw the urn amongst the flowers.  Hugs were exchanged and I did okay until they put on some music.  One of the songs was by Sarah McLaughlin- a favorite of Jeff’s – and I lost it again.

The visitors started to arrive at 2:00 and though I wasn’t in the receiving line, I talked to many people that had know Jeff and I.  It was the suddenness of what happened that had everyone so stunned.

When I wasn’t talking to anyone, I was kind of dazed.  Just standing there, caught up in memories and all the what-if’s.

Three friends of mine and Jeff’s came down from Akron to pay their respects and to check on me. I met them for dinner and they helped me keep my mind off things.

We then went to the evening calling hours and they met Jeff’s siblings, stayed and talked to me a bit, then made the 2 hour trip back.

I stayed until the calling hours  were over, then hung out with his siblings for bit before going to the hotel.  I slept poorly – not surprisingly.

Everyone at the visitation was very kind and supportive – with two exceptions.

One was an old friend of Jeff’s that – in a not so subtle way – implied that what happened to Jeff was my fault.  I was well on my way to a horrified expression on my face when she realized what she had said and quickly tried to back-peddle.  She left not long after that and I spent a little time trying to get my mental balance back- not easy since I was already on shaky ground.

The other was a friend of his family that very thoroughly did not want to acknowledge the relationship I had with Jeff, but was eager to tell me how much she was praying for me.  While I appreciated the gesture, the grip she had on my arm and her zealous tone made me a little uncomfortable.

I was good to see so many of Jeff’s friends and family at the visitation and as tough as it was, I’m glad I was there.

I write in my blog things that happen to me – hence the first person – but this entry is not about me.

Instead, I start off with an apology if this is the first you’ve heard of this – I tried to let people know in a more personal way, but didn’t have a way to contact everyone.  I have some terrible news… Jeff Pappa passed away last week.

I had been trying to reach him much of the week – I was supposed to take him to the airport for a job interview out of state and hadn’t heard back.  When his neighbors called me and told me that his mail was piling up in the mailbox and he didn’t answer his door, I called Jeff’s brother and asked if he or his siblings had heard from Jeff.  When they hadn’t, the landlord was contacted and so were the police.  They went into his apartment and found him.

The neighbor called me and I called Jeff’s brother – it was the worst phone call I’ve ever had to make.   He broke down and had to call me back.

I left work and went over to the apartment to try and help with the investigation, giving the detective and officers what I knew about Jeff’s medical history.  They were all very kind and supportive – I’m grateful for their compassion.

The medical examiners took Jeff’s body to their office for review and I tried to help his family as best I could – none of them are local and I know it must have been frustrating being so far away.

I stayed at the apartment until the detective was ready to leave – then I shut off lights and closed the door.

In the coming days there will be visiting hours and a funeral service.  His family will try to sort out the material parts of his life and we will all try to deal with our grief.

Jeff was my room-mate, my partner, my boyfriend – however you want to say – for nearly 8 years.  We lived together in that apartment until I moved out last December.  We were good for a long time – and then we fell apart.  And I know I hurt him terribly when I told him I wanted to end things.  Even after we were no longer a couple, we remained friends as best we could and I took care of him when he was sick.

Jeff seemed to have rallied in the past couple months and was looking forward to a new job and a new start.  His last post on Facebook was a complaint that he thought he was coming down with strep throat.   I don’t know the final report from the medical examiners office as to what finally took him from us, but I suspect it was that all that he had gone through in the past year finally taking it’s toll.

It’s snowing as I sit and write this – thinking about the time he and shared and going over the thousand things I could have done differently.

Jeff’s family is planning a service for him back in hometown this week.  I hope to have the final details today and anyone that wants to join me should contact me for times and directions.

There are more stories to tell, but those are for another day.   Those that knew Jeff, please keep his family in your thoughts.

I got a letter in the interoffice mail from the HR department.  Usually not a good sign, but this time it was an invite to the Annual Service Awards Reception.   Somehow, without really paying too much attention to it, I’ve manage to work here 15 years.

Kind of amazing.

I’m getting a small gift (not sure what that covers) and a certificate.  I’m guessing  there will also be snacks.

So, I’ve got to RSVP, make a note on my calendar, and remember to wear a tie that day.

15 years.   Dang.

I talked to my sister yesterday evening and she told me how she’d been feeling sick with a sinus infection.  Apparently, she coughed so hard that she actually cracked a rib.

I felt bad for her, but was also really impressed.  I knew she was a something of a bad-ass, but I didn’t realize she could manage a feat like that.  She went to the doctor who confirmed what had happened (she coughed and heard a loud “pop”, then was nearly incapacitated by the pain).

The doctor couldn’t wrap it since he wanted to her to cough up the gunk from her sinus infection.  He also couldn’t give her anything for it since she’s expecting.   So, she’s just had to tough it out.

Again, my hat is off to her.   Impressive.

I swam every day last week – rather than my usual three times a week – and on Friday I headed to the rec center.  It was busy and there are only two lanes for lap swimming.  One had two girls in it – one teaching the other to swim – and the other had a woman flailing about as she did her laps.  I hopped into her lane and when she got to my end I said hello and asked if I could share the lane.  She sighed, dramatically, and said “Fine,” in a way that made it clear that it was not fine.

At this point I would normally ask if the other person wanted to split the very narrow lane or rotate – keeping to the right. Instead, I decided to just try and stay out of her way – which proved to be tricky since she took her half of the lane out of the middle.  Did I mention she was flailing about?

Three laps in and the cranky woman and I are at opposite ends of the lane.  A girl asks if she can join us and I tell her sure, but that we’ll have to rotate the lane.  I swim down, meet up with the cranky woman, and  tell her that we’ve got a third joining us – and that we’ll have to rotate.

She responded, “Now that’s too much!  It was bad enough when you got in the lane, but she’s just going to have to swim outside the lane,”

I could have argued that I’ve seen 6 people politely share a lane.  Or that with the other pool closed, we just have to adapt.  Or I could have taken it to the lifeguard.

But, given my aversion to pointless conflict, I told her:

“Fine.  I’ll swim outside the lane,”

Then I ducked under the lane marker… and promptly realized that this wasn’t going to work.  The pool was just too crowded.  I thought for moment, then decided I’d done plenty of swimming that week and needed a break anyway.  She won – I got bitched out of the pool.

Fortunately, one of my friends invited me out to dinner and movie.  We went and saw “The Woman in Black”.  Plenty of “jump out of your seat moments” – and I was apparently channeling my inner little girl.  It was a little embarrassing – but a good change of pace from the cranky woman.   At least the cranky woman in the movie  – okay, the totally evil woman in the movie – had a good reason for being cranky.

The movie was good, though the ending was a little weak, and when my friend dropped me off at my house I was a little uneasy going in.   I guess that was the mark of a good scary movie.

Finally, I bought a clock for my bathroom the other day.  I was only $4.00 at Target.  It occurs to me that if Time is Money, it’s apparently not very much money.  I got a whole clock’s worth of time  for less than the cost of a chicken nugget meal at McDonalds.