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I was back at work on Friday and the day helped me keep my mind off things.  That evening, I called my sister to find out how the ultrasound had gone.  It went well and they are having another girl.

I also told her that I was a little disappointed that no one from my family came to the service for Jeff.  She said that she didn’t realize that I wanted them to and that it would  have been awkward.

I talked to my mom later that evening and… well, that was not a conversation that I really enjoyed.   It was educational in a way, but kind of terrible.  The less said about that, the better – I guess.  I haven’t talked to my dad since before the visitation/service – don’t know his take on things.  They sent flowers – which was nice – but I really wish they had been there as well.

So, Friday was a bit of  downer – though I did get a mile in the pool.   Saturday was better.  I invited myself to help one of my friends walk his two dogs.  I got to check out the nearby park and we went for coffee/hot chocolate at starbucks.  While at starbucks, I made a paper crane for a little girl – she was pretty excited.   A lady got her coffee, left, then came back and put her hand on my friend’s shoulder  – and told him that he had a big  heart she could see from outside.  She then thanked him for being him and left.  A little strange, but pretty cool.    She didn’t acknowledge in the least – I guess my heart is as black as coal or something. At least she she didn’t try and put a curse on me – that I know of.

That evening, I met up with more friends for a trip to the season opener for the  Rubber City Rollergirls Roller Derby.  It was the first time I had gone to one of these and it was fun, but I had a difficult time following the rules.   They all had cool names – Jennacide, Shady Gaga, Dixie Von Doom and for all the knock downs, they seemed to be having fun.  Even the refs had cool names – the best was  The Goodyear Pimp.

We left partway though the second bout and went to Lockview restaurant.  They served gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches (not really my thing), but one version had mozzerella and pepperoni that I got without tommatos – it was pretty much a pizza sandwich and that suited me just fine.    The conversation was excellent and I had a lot of fun.   Afterwards, we went to a nightclub.  It was okay, but by this point I was pretty tired and didn’t stay too long.

This evening, I’m meeting up with a co-worker to have dinner with he and his family.  Or at least I hope so – this family has the most complicated schedule I’ve ever seen. This will be the third time we’ve rescheduled.  Looking forward to it and I hope thing work out.

So, when people ask me how I’m going, the answer I’m giving is that I’m hanging in there.  I know that over time the little moments of sadness will stop surprising me and that I’ll stop getting a twinge when I go near his apartment.

I’m going to do a little house cleaning today and maybe think about buying some paint.  Little projects to keep me busy is the way to go.

I got up early this morning, got ready in the gigantic and also overpriced hotel room, then had breakfast in the lobby and waited for the rest of the group to join me.  We went over to the funeral home where the service was going to be held. So began my morning of totally losing it over and over.  I would hold things back for a few minutes, then that terrible pressure would build in my sinuses and forehead and I’d fall apart.

I saw some more of Jeff’s family and his aunt took me aside and told me that whatever I was thinking, none of this was my fault and I did everything I could.  On the heels of the comments yesterday, that was pretty amazing.

The funeral directors were careful to include me in with the rest of his family – which did my heart good – and I sat with them through the service.  The pastor knew Jeff and had a good message; I’m always a little annoyed when the person trying to speak for someone deceased doesn’t know them, but this lady did a good job.    A couple of Jeff’s friends spoke and they did a nice job as well – there’s no way I could have gotten up there and said anything coherent.

After the service I sat in the room with the flowers for a few minutes and lost it again.  When I was finally under control – or as close as I was going to get – I followed the family to the luncheon.  The food was okay, the company was good, and the cake was excellent.  I had two pieces – figured I had earned them.

The drive back home is right around 2 hours and I had a lot of time to think.  Too much time, really, but no way around it.  At least it was raining – kept my attention and matched my mood.    I’m going back to work tomorrow and have promised everyone I’ll keep in touch – and I’ll be on hand to help when they go through his apartment.

I guess this is the part where I start to move forward, but all I really feel is numb.  I know it will take time and I really appreciate all my friends who have been so supportive and have had such amazingly kind things to say.

I miss him.

Thursday morning I got up, got dressed in nice clothes, and drove to Wheeling, WV.  I stopped for a bite to eat on the way and got to the funeral home at about 1:00.   Jeff’s family was already there and were trying to put pictures of him on display – though they could barely see because of the tears.  I broke down when I saw them – and even more so when I saw the urn amongst the flowers.  Hugs were exchanged and I did okay until they put on some music.  One of the songs was by Sarah McLaughlin- a favorite of Jeff’s – and I lost it again.

The visitors started to arrive at 2:00 and though I wasn’t in the receiving line, I talked to many people that had know Jeff and I.  It was the suddenness of what happened that had everyone so stunned.

When I wasn’t talking to anyone, I was kind of dazed.  Just standing there, caught up in memories and all the what-if’s.

Three friends of mine and Jeff’s came down from Akron to pay their respects and to check on me. I met them for dinner and they helped me keep my mind off things.

We then went to the evening calling hours and they met Jeff’s siblings, stayed and talked to me a bit, then made the 2 hour trip back.

I stayed until the calling hours  were over, then hung out with his siblings for bit before going to the hotel.  I slept poorly – not surprisingly.

Everyone at the visitation was very kind and supportive – with two exceptions.

One was an old friend of Jeff’s that – in a not so subtle way – implied that what happened to Jeff was my fault.  I was well on my way to a horrified expression on my face when she realized what she had said and quickly tried to back-peddle.  She left not long after that and I spent a little time trying to get my mental balance back- not easy since I was already on shaky ground.

The other was a friend of his family that very thoroughly did not want to acknowledge the relationship I had with Jeff, but was eager to tell me how much she was praying for me.  While I appreciated the gesture, the grip she had on my arm and her zealous tone made me a little uncomfortable.

I was good to see so many of Jeff’s friends and family at the visitation and as tough as it was, I’m glad I was there.

I write in my blog things that happen to me – hence the first person – but this entry is not about me.

Instead, I start off with an apology if this is the first you’ve heard of this – I tried to let people know in a more personal way, but didn’t have a way to contact everyone.  I have some terrible news… Jeff Pappa passed away last week.

I had been trying to reach him much of the week – I was supposed to take him to the airport for a job interview out of state and hadn’t heard back.  When his neighbors called me and told me that his mail was piling up in the mailbox and he didn’t answer his door, I called Jeff’s brother and asked if he or his siblings had heard from Jeff.  When they hadn’t, the landlord was contacted and so were the police.  They went into his apartment and found him.

The neighbor called me and I called Jeff’s brother – it was the worst phone call I’ve ever had to make.   He broke down and had to call me back.

I left work and went over to the apartment to try and help with the investigation, giving the detective and officers what I knew about Jeff’s medical history.  They were all very kind and supportive – I’m grateful for their compassion.

The medical examiners took Jeff’s body to their office for review and I tried to help his family as best I could – none of them are local and I know it must have been frustrating being so far away.

I stayed at the apartment until the detective was ready to leave – then I shut off lights and closed the door.

In the coming days there will be visiting hours and a funeral service.  His family will try to sort out the material parts of his life and we will all try to deal with our grief.

Jeff was my room-mate, my partner, my boyfriend – however you want to say – for nearly 8 years.  We lived together in that apartment until I moved out last December.  We were good for a long time – and then we fell apart.  And I know I hurt him terribly when I told him I wanted to end things.  Even after we were no longer a couple, we remained friends as best we could and I took care of him when he was sick.

Jeff seemed to have rallied in the past couple months and was looking forward to a new job and a new start.  His last post on Facebook was a complaint that he thought he was coming down with strep throat.   I don’t know the final report from the medical examiners office as to what finally took him from us, but I suspect it was that all that he had gone through in the past year finally taking it’s toll.

It’s snowing as I sit and write this – thinking about the time he and shared and going over the thousand things I could have done differently.

Jeff’s family is planning a service for him back in hometown this week.  I hope to have the final details today and anyone that wants to join me should contact me for times and directions.

There are more stories to tell, but those are for another day.   Those that knew Jeff, please keep his family in your thoughts.

I got a letter in the interoffice mail from the HR department.  Usually not a good sign, but this time it was an invite to the Annual Service Awards Reception.   Somehow, without really paying too much attention to it, I’ve manage to work here 15 years.

Kind of amazing.

I’m getting a small gift (not sure what that covers) and a certificate.  I’m guessing  there will also be snacks.

So, I’ve got to RSVP, make a note on my calendar, and remember to wear a tie that day.

15 years.   Dang.

I talked to my sister yesterday evening and she told me how she’d been feeling sick with a sinus infection.  Apparently, she coughed so hard that she actually cracked a rib.

I felt bad for her, but was also really impressed.  I knew she was a something of a bad-ass, but I didn’t realize she could manage a feat like that.  She went to the doctor who confirmed what had happened (she coughed and heard a loud “pop”, then was nearly incapacitated by the pain).

The doctor couldn’t wrap it since he wanted to her to cough up the gunk from her sinus infection.  He also couldn’t give her anything for it since she’s expecting.   So, she’s just had to tough it out.

Again, my hat is off to her.   Impressive.

I swam every day last week – rather than my usual three times a week – and on Friday I headed to the rec center.  It was busy and there are only two lanes for lap swimming.  One had two girls in it – one teaching the other to swim – and the other had a woman flailing about as she did her laps.  I hopped into her lane and when she got to my end I said hello and asked if I could share the lane.  She sighed, dramatically, and said “Fine,” in a way that made it clear that it was not fine.

At this point I would normally ask if the other person wanted to split the very narrow lane or rotate – keeping to the right. Instead, I decided to just try and stay out of her way – which proved to be tricky since she took her half of the lane out of the middle.  Did I mention she was flailing about?

Three laps in and the cranky woman and I are at opposite ends of the lane.  A girl asks if she can join us and I tell her sure, but that we’ll have to rotate the lane.  I swim down, meet up with the cranky woman, and  tell her that we’ve got a third joining us – and that we’ll have to rotate.

She responded, “Now that’s too much!  It was bad enough when you got in the lane, but she’s just going to have to swim outside the lane,”

I could have argued that I’ve seen 6 people politely share a lane.  Or that with the other pool closed, we just have to adapt.  Or I could have taken it to the lifeguard.

But, given my aversion to pointless conflict, I told her:

“Fine.  I’ll swim outside the lane,”

Then I ducked under the lane marker… and promptly realized that this wasn’t going to work.  The pool was just too crowded.  I thought for moment, then decided I’d done plenty of swimming that week and needed a break anyway.  She won – I got bitched out of the pool.

Fortunately, one of my friends invited me out to dinner and movie.  We went and saw “The Woman in Black”.  Plenty of “jump out of your seat moments” – and I was apparently channeling my inner little girl.  It was a little embarrassing – but a good change of pace from the cranky woman.   At least the cranky woman in the movie  – okay, the totally evil woman in the movie – had a good reason for being cranky.

The movie was good, though the ending was a little weak, and when my friend dropped me off at my house I was a little uneasy going in.   I guess that was the mark of a good scary movie.

Finally, I bought a clock for my bathroom the other day.  I was only $4.00 at Target.  It occurs to me that if Time is Money, it’s apparently not very much money.  I got a whole clock’s worth of time  for less than the cost of a chicken nugget meal at McDonalds.

I went for a swim after work yesterday since I had some time to kill before my appointment to get my taxes done.  I did 30 laps and felt really powerful in the water – like I belonged there.  When I was done with the swim, I got dressed and left the building – emerging onto strangely subdued Akron streets.

This is likely a combination of water in my ear muffling the sounds around me and some really delightful endorphins, but I felt… peaceful.  And calm.   Which for me is damn odd.

I went over to McDonald’s to grab a bite to eat and I was patient and relaxed.  Took the food back to the office to eat and listened to some music.

When I went to get my taxes done, I didn’t have to wait at all.  The tax preparer was friendly and efficient and impressed that I had all the required paperwork.  Took about 25 minutes to go through the whole thing and I’m getting a nice chunk of change back – and saved a bunch on fees.

Went home, played some video games and read a book.   Still relaxed and peaceful.

It was like the universe said, “okay, yeah, we’ve been rough on you.  Why don’t you just chill out for a bit and we’ll let it go this time, okay?”

Weird.  We’ll have to see how today goes.  I’m at work and I’m still pretty calm.   Wonder if there was something in the pool water?   If so, I need to bottle that stuff.

I went to a really awesome party not too long ago.  One of my friends was turning 40 and a small crew of party planning friends rented a cool historical building for the venue.   The snacks were great, the birthday cupcakes were rich, and the company was really fun.   I was part of the kazoo band to play Happy Birthday and we all got noise-makers.    One of the planners brought in balloons for us to inflate and make balloon animals.  I generally stick to the quieter medium of paper, but I decided it looked like fun and tried my hand at it.  I made a set of Cthulhu tentacles that also doubled as Medusa’s snake hair when adjusted.  Gives me some ideas for Halloween. Maybe. 🙂

The party started to wind down and I stayed to help put away chairs and clean up a bit. It was getting late and I was getting ready to go when my former room-mate asked if I would take him back to his apartment since he had lost a contact and couldn’t drive.  I agreed and then had the second worst car ride of my life – the first being when I had a massive migraine and thought my brains were going to explode.  Hmm… actually, it’s a bit of a toss-up.

The less said about that trip, the better.  I guess to really appreciate the good, you need to have a little of the crappy as well.

I moved into my new place in mid-December and though I changed my address with work, I figured that my W-2 for my taxes would go to my old address.    To my surprise, it got to my new address  – but my former room-mate called and said that someone else’s from the university had ended up with my old address and went to my former apartment.  He dropped it off to me with some other stuff the next day and I decided to hand deliver this to save this fellow employee some time.

I looked up her campus address and couldn’t figure out how my update of my address online could have triggered this error – since there didn’t seem to be any connection by name, department, or campus address.   A little bit more digging and I realized that her employee number was one digit off from mine.

This wasn’t my fault, but I still felt a little bit responsible.   So, I wrote up a note in case she wasn’t in her office and headed across campus.  I finally found her department and the admin assistant at the desk.  My one-digit neighbor wasn’t in and it turns out she taught at off campus locations and was almost never in.  The admin assistant said she would call and email her to have her stop by – and then thanked me for making the trip.    I’m glad I went to the extra effort to hand-deliver this  – if it had just gone through campus mail there’s no telling how long it might have sat in an envelope on in her mailbox.

It will be interesting to see if I hear anything back on this one – or if anyone ever figures out what happened.  One digit.  That was all it took to mess things up.