Author: anthony Page 34 of 72

Last week was super busy at work. I kept up for the most part, but we were all scrambling. I’m hoping things slow down a bit so we can do more planning and less reacting, though it may be too soon in the semester for that.
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On Friday, went to the Art Walk downtown. Saw some pretty cool pieces – including a sculpture of a dragon captured by mice.

It was breathing smoke.

Saw some glass art that was pretty cool and lots of paintings. I also picked up a card from an artist that is working on a photo project taking pictures of people’s backs. You have be a supporter of art or an artist to be included and I think I’m sort of both – so, I sent him an email. I don’t know if this is still going on – the card didn’t have a date – but if it works out I might be in some art.

Which would be kinda cool.
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Saturday was a trip to Hale Farm and Village. They had an art show going on there as well as the historical village and while the exhibits were interesting, I couldn’t help but be a little on edge.

I’m talking about time travel, naturally.

The mix of current society and the historical reenactors feels too much like some kind of time tourism. Like someone is going to whip out a cell phone and change the course of history. Are we in the past – or is the past visiting the present?

I wasn’t quite sure, so I kept my phone in my pocket and tried not to talk about modern conveniences.

You can never be too careful.
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Today was a pool party for my friends’ 5 year old. I had asked about suitable presents and was told – “she likes things that are bizarre”.

Which, naturally, I can handle.

The gift bag looked like an orange furred monster – with eyes, of course. There was a comb that looked like a T-rex skull, a squishy purple lizard – along with a book about owls, some bubble solution, and a glow in the dark magic wand. Oh, and Frozen swim goggles.

There were squeals of delight – so I know we did well.

I rough-housed in the pool, much to the delight of the kids there, and managed to not drown or have anyone kick anyone else in the head.

It was a success.

I got a little sun-burn on my shoulders, but some aloe should clear that up. My arm is a little sore too – I’m guessing the “it’s not a race nor is it a swim meet” on Friday along with the kid tossing today in the pool wore me out. Looks like I need a break.
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Oh, and I learned a little something about myself on Friday.

Some stairwells terrify me.

One of the art walk stops was an old building with a lot of stairs. Now, I’m not a fan of heights, but I can usually keep my composure. The stairs, while sturdy enough, flipped some kind of switch in my head where I didn’t trust gravity anymore. There was too dang much open space.

I like my stairs enclosed with lots of concrete and low ceilings. And at the top of the stairs was a metal ladder going up to the open roof access.

I don’t know why, but… shudder.

I had a death grip on the railing and stayed as focused as possible. If gravity had stopped working – and don’t laugh, because you know it’s just a matter of time – there was no way I was going out that roof. The rest of the world might have been ejected into space, but I was not going anywhere.

Sorry, but if that happens it’s every man for himself.
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Time now for a cool shower and an early night. Promises to be another busy day tomorrow.  And hopefully no stairs.

I took the day off of work on Thursday to take Thunder(cat) to the vet – along with other errands.  It didn’t go great.

Thunder was fine with wearing a collar and was okay getting into the cat carrier.  He was okay with being taken out to the car – but he freaking hated the car ride.  He yowled like it was the end of the world the entire time.  I reached back to try and comfort him  while I was driving, but he wasn’t having any of it.

I got him to the vet and took him inside and set the carrier on a chair.  I was signing in when he slammed against the wall of the carrier and managed to knock the carrier onto the floor.

I am the worst pet parent ever.

We got him into the exam room and I got him out of the carrier and held him while the tech checked his weight and asked a few questions.

The vet came in a little later and gave him a shot and then a perfunctory exam as if to verify that yes, he’s still a cat – then checked his teeth.

Thunder has inflamed gums.  In spite of the previous tests the vet has done, he doesn’t know what is causing it.  Thunder is a good eater and has no trouble with dry food or treats.  Plenty of energy, no trouble with the litter box, and seemingly fine.

But, he’s got those inflamed gums and bad breath.

So, the treatment – according to the vet – is to pull all his teeth.

I asked if there were other options – brushing his teeth, etc. – but the vet made a remark about not relying on Dr. Google.  Thinking, I guess, that this is a popular suggestion on the internet for feline gingivitis – and that I shouldn’t rely on that.

Now, I don’t want to brush my cat’s teeth and I can guaran-damn-tee that Thunder doesn’t want that either – but I’ll do it if it will make a difference.

I didn’t make the appointment yet for the extraction – instead I’m going to get a second opinion.  I’m not generally one to question a doctor – they have more training than I do – but this just didn’t sit well with me.

I got a grateful cat back into his carrier and listened to him yowl all the way home.  When I set the carrier down in the house and opened the door, he peeked out and then stepped out with what I’m sure was relief.

It wasn’t just the bad news, it was just kind of a lack of empathy.  Thunder(cat) is a my little furry buddy (LFB) and I don’t want him hurting.  Just… I don’t know.

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I drove down to visit my folks yesterday morning.  It was early when I got on the road – just a little after 5 – and it was just me and the truckers on the highway.

I had some music on – mostly Sia – and while the drive itself was uneventful, it did give me far too much time to think.

I tend to be “in my head” quite a bit and that’s not a bad thing – it’s pretty cool in there with interesting things to think about.  FTL travel, zombies, lasers, superheroes, origami, etc.    But in a car, by myself, on the empty road in the dark, well… it started to bring me down.  I starting thinking about work and then the sort of general stress of life we all have – yard, house, car, family, etc.  Then I thought about Jeff and ran through the thousands of what-if’s I’ve already been through before.    Couldn’t seem to kick myself out of the brooding.

As the sun began to come up, I switched the music to something a little cheerier (I really need to download some J-pop) and the mood started to lighten as the sky did.

I was pretty much over it by the time I got to my destination, but for a little while I was stuck in a funk.  Just kind of a sad little car trip – reminded me of Douglas Adams describing the unfortunate immortality of Wowbagger the Infinately Prolonged as “the Long, Dark, Tea-time of the Soul”.

Not sure the fix here, perhaps I just need to sleep in and get a later start to the day and the car ride.

Or bring my cat.  I’m sure the constant yowling for 2+ hours will keep me distracted.  But, then, I don’t want him to be depressed.

The visit has been a good one otherwise – my nieces are fun and we’ve had some good food and played games.

I’ll be heading back to Akron later today  – in the daylight – and resolve to keep the music (and hopefully my mood) lighter.

I think I just figured out the root of all problems in western civilization.  Yea, me!

Earlier today I witnessed a minor battle on Facebook over politics.

Naturally.

Both sides were utterly certain they were right and the other side was wrong.  

And they quickly reached an impasse because neither of them could back down.    Not just that they “wouldn’t” back down, I don’t think that either side could.  

It got me thinking about how often our certainty causes problems.

“This brand of shoes/soda/phone is better than that brand”

“This music/ideology/social status/height/language/eye color is the best”

“Beards are great/gross”

“Light/Dark skin is better than Dark/Light skin”

“This is the best country/That is the worst country”

“This religion is the right one and every other religion is wrong”

“This political party is the right one and every other one is wrong”

“This person is better than that person”

“I’m right and you’re wrong”

(I could literally go on all day)

And then we stop talking and learning and start fighting. Because it isn’t enough that we have an opinion about something, we’re compelled to have everyone around us share the same opinion.   

Even being aware of this, it’s tough not to do.   Take onions, for example.  I think my loathing of this dubious “food item” is well documented.  And I’d like nothing more than to have them outright banned across the multiverse.  

Don’t force your onions on me, jerk!   I have a right to not have onions around me!   I don’t want to have to explain onions to my cat – he won’t understand!

Except that’s silly, right?  So, like it or not, onions are a fact of life.  I have to concede that some otherwise very intelligent people really like onions.  For the sake of civilization – and being invited to parties – I have to acknowledge the I might be in the wrong.  I don’t have to like onions, but I have to live with them.

And – like coffee – I keep trying them.  (I like the smell and the idea of coffee, I just don’t like the taste much.)  Usually inadvertently, but it still counts.  And maybe someday I’ll change my mind.

I’m not certain about that, but it’s a start.

The only thing we should really be certain about is that the speed of light  is 299,792,458 m/s.  It’s a universal constant, okay?  Just let it go.  And yes, I’m talking about “in a vacuum”.  

Everything else would benefit from some uncertainty, I think.

So, why are we so certain about things?  

I suspect it’s because we’re so bombarded with information all the time. If we really did keep an open mind about everything, we’d never be able to pick out breakfast cereal.  We have to categorize things into the “yes” piles and the “no” piles.  We just don’t have enough brain power to give everything the attention and consideration it deserves.  And so we end up with coco-puffs every morning because it turns the milk chocolaty – without putting for the effort to consider that maybe that’s not a great reason to pick a cereal.  

This also brings to mind an award we had on campus not long ago for the best staff member.   Only one person got nominated – the process of nominations was horribly complicated – and so instead of giving them the award they clearly deserved, the whole thing was canceled.    It wasn’t enough for someone to win – someone else had to lose.

Which is pretty twisted, actually.  

How do we fix this?  How do we convince people to not be such jerks?  How do we get people to have open minds – where everyone can have an opinion and not force it on others?  Where everyone can win?

I don’t have an answer but I think it’s good food for thought.  I’m going to keep an open mind about it.

Went to the last of the summer outdoor ballets last Friday in Akron. The first piece was amazing – lots of really fluid movement across the stage and almost inhuman grace. The rest, to my mind, was less so.

Hey, I tried.

That first piece also had some amazing music and I wasn’t the only one to get out my phone and Shazam the hell out of it.

It was “Tremors”, by an artist called SOHN. I’m been listening to it a lot since then – just amazing and such a haunting sound. And with headphones? Just… wow. Got the CD on order and looking forward to enjoying more of this talent.

You can check out the Youtube here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tu2mVP6xee0

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Switching gears a bit… Spiders. I’m generally okay with spiders and won’t go out of my way to kill them. Live and let live and… well… avoid. However, one of these little creatures decided to build a web between the corner of my house and the support post for my porch roof.

Directly in the path to leave my house and go to my garage.

Naturally, I blundered into this, destroyed the web, and sent the spider scrambling. I did the usual trashing about to get the web off me, then went on my way. The next time I came that way, the spider had rebuilt the web – in the exact same spot – and I blundered into it again. Destruction, scramble, thrashing – again.

The next time I came through there, I saw the spider – in the newly built web in the same spot – and managed to stop before I hit it. I paused a moment, then went out into the yard and around the gate to miss the web and still be on my way.

I felt bad for the spider. All that work for some clumsy giant biped to come along and crash into it. Spiders don’t really live that long and it seemed really determined to build in that spot.

So, with a little caution, I managed to avoid the really beautiful web and let the spider do its thing.

Right up until this morning when I forgot about the web and in the dim light managed to blunder into it again. This time, the spider was knocked to the ground and was seemingly gone.

The web was rebuilt when I got home this evening and I managed to avoid it. The spider was, I guess, okay – though one of us, clearly, is an idiot. I hope it’s the spider.

[If you’re on the web today, little spider, I’m sorry.]

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I dropped my car off last night at the dealership to get it looked it regarding the missing odometer.

They were still open so I parked the car and went in to let them know I was dropping it off in person instead of using a dropbox. The technician asked me to wait while he went and pulled the car in. I gave him the keys and he pulled it into the garage – and sat in the running car for a few minutes while I waited. He then turned the car off and got out.

“Well, that was strange,” he said and I readily agreed.

“I was trying to get the mileage and it wasn’t there,” he continued and we talked for a few moments about what else was missing from the display.

I signed some paperwork, verified my phone number, and was on my way.

“Strange” in car repairs would most likely equate to “Uncommon” – which I’m guessing is a synonym of “Expensive”.

But, still, kinda cool to have a “new” problem. As a computer guy, I deal with all kinds of computer problems everyday – and they are usually pretty routine.

[And, truth be told, it’s a wonder that computers work at all.]

But sometimes I’ll get something weird that really peaks my interest. Those get a little more of my time and detective skills to work out. I like a little bit of a challenge and something a little out of the ordinary.

They called me this afternoon and told me that it was the computer having trouble communicating with one of the parts. They cleared the error codes and… everything came back to normal.

Essentially, they rebooted my car.

And fortunately, they didn’t charge me for it – though they said if it goes again the replacement part is $400. And, of course, my warranty expired 2 weeks ago. Which would explain why the guy that sold me the car and the service manager were so eager to have me trade in the car and get a new one – even though I’ve had the car just slightly (2 weeks) over three years.

Hmmm…smells like Planned Obsolescence to me. But I might just be cynical.

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I got a scratch on the bridge of my nose – guess I must have nicked it with a fingernail. It scabbed over quickly and was no big deal. However, the combination of glasses, swim goggles, and pool water irritated the cut and loosened the scab. When I got out of the pool and started to dry off, I knocked the scab loose and started bleeding.

A lot. Like, Carrie levels of blood.

The blood welled up from a tiny abrasion on my skin and ran down my nose. I grabbed a paper towel and put direct pressure on it and gave it a few minutes while I continued to drip dry.

When I felt enough time had passed, I pulled the paper towel away.

And the blood welled up, unabated, and started to run down my nose again.

More paper towels and then – “How do I deal with this – without getting blood all over everything?”

So, with care, I managed to hold the paper towel to my nose with one hand and get out of my speedo with the other.  Yeah, not my most graceful.

It took me twice as long, but I managed to get dressed one handed and then checked under the paper towel.

Nope, still gushing.

Fresh paper towel, then out to the front desk. The lifeguard at the desk was wearing a fanny pack and seemed really excited to be able to use the first aid supplies there – if only to offer me a band-aid.

Back to the restroom and got my cut covered up. With my glasses back on, the small band-aid wasn’t noticeable. Last night, the bleeding had finally stopped when I took the band-aid off. But, I didn’t want to risk opening it back up in my sleep accidentally – and turning my bed into a horror movie – so I put a fresh band-aid on. I took it off before my big meeting today and it was fine.

I’m not really weirded out by blood, but was a little un-nerved that the “direct pressure” didn’t do the job.   Might have been the leftover aspirin in my system from a recent headache.
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Finally, and I know this is a long post, I started on the construction of my Halloween costume tonight. It’s going to be technically complicated this year and I need to develop yet another skill set to pull it off. Should be… interesting –  if it works.

And that’s enough for today.

Before I headed back to Akron last Sunday, we went back over to my sister’s house. Since I was the only one not already occupied, I got to watch my nieces. Naturally, we played video games. On the Xbox Kinect – which is quite a bit of exercise.

We played an animal game, an adventure game, and the crowd favorite – Dora Dance Party. I think I surprised them both – Uncle has some moves.:)  We had a lot of fun with that before I had to leave – and since I got three gold stars I’m pretty sure I’m ready to go clubbing.

Hola, baby.

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On the trip back to Akron, I was flipping through the menus on my car’s dashboard to see when my next oil change it due.

It’s a really boring car trip, okay?

Except, I couldn’t find the “remaining oil life” gauge. Or the “estimated MPG”. Or the “estimated range” Or, most disturbingly, the odometer.

It’s just gone. The main one as well as the trip odometer. The speedometer works and so does the fuel gauge – but I have no idea how many miles are on my car.

I called to get an appointment to get my car checked out and they can’t get me in until next Tuesday. So, I guess it’s not super urgent. And I’m guessing that it really still being stored somewhere and it’s just not visible. Otherwise I guess we have to estimate it? I dunno.

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I went to see my surgeon on Monday for a follow up. We talked for a bit and he checked my arm – and determined that I was done with physical therapy. I still need to use the “rack” for a couple months, then I’ll stop that and see if the pain I get at full extension goes away.

So, in a very anti-climactic way, I’m done-ish.

Since this was between appointments for physical therapy, I didn’t really get a chance to say good-bye to my therapist. Odd that it would bother me, maybe, but I’d gotten to know her a bit over the course of the months and didn’t want to just vanish. So, I got her a card and made her some tiny origami cranes and dropped them off after work today. She was happy to see me and I thanked her for the help she’d given me with my arm. We had a nice good-bye and I was on my way.

In a couple of months, I’ll send the rack back to the company and see how it goes. I’m still not quite there – and I won’t get back to full extension – but I’m functional and looking forward to moving it fully without pain.
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Visiting my folks this weekend for my youngest niece’s 3rd birthday.  I drove down to my parent’s new house on Saturday morning and got the grand tour.  It’s nice – one story with plenty of storage and a huge garage.  They have good neighbors and seem pretty happy here.

We headed over to my sister’s after lunch and helped with the setup for the party.  The theme was butterflies so I learned how to make those out of paper and then taught Dad so we could help decorate.

The birthday girl was super excited  – even more so when she got a little frosting in her.  🙂   The kids did some crafts and played outside before it was time to head to dinner. Before we left, she was fussing a bit about getting her hair fixed into pigtails – or “birdy hair” as she calls it.   I sat down on the floor with her and suggested that her mom would fix my hair the same way after she was done.

My niece looked at me incredulously and told me – in no uncertain terms – that I did not have enough hair for birdy hair.  We bantered back and forth a bit while she was getting her own hair done and she was soon laughing again at how silly “uncle” is.

Dinner was good and we said our goodbyes.  I stayed the night at my folk’s new house and I’m doing a little reading and writing this morning while they are at church.

The book I’m reading is an adaptation of a video game.  It’s always a little interesting to read how an author can try to expand or create a story from a standard slog through a dungeon, but it’s a fun read and not too challenging.  Though it could have done with a better editor – the typos and grammar are a bit distracting.

The characters in the game  – Gauntlet – are healed from their injuries by eating.  When a character is near death, a voice will intone “Wizard needs food badly!”

And for some insane reason, the author choose to force that line – in the most obvious and blatant way possible – into the story.  I’ve read this book before and I’m always cranky when I get to that one stupid section.

So, today, I skimmed back through the book to find that line and with a black marker, I struck the line from the text.

Not something I did lightly, but with grim determination and certainty of purpose.  I think the book is better for it.

Think it’s time for a snack and some sitting outside.  Feeling…quiet today.  And I think I needed it – the last couple of weeks have been rough.

My stomach was much worse yesterday – I felt like some oddly shaped balloon animal. Twisted in knots, bloated, and well… gassy. I’m sorry, I was. It was miserable. And no sooner had I… released the gas through… various means, I started to bloat up again. I made a doctor appointment and got in to see them today.

And it was pretty much inconclusive. I feel a little better, nothing obviously wrong, and no immediate danger.

Still don’t know if it was something I ate or a flu bug. If I get worse or at least not better, I’m supposed to go back in a week for blood work to rule out a gall bladder problem.

So, the doctor gave me prescription for pepcid – since my insurance will help out if it’s a prescription. Or something. It was like 2 bucks. But it took about twice as long at the pharmacy to get that than it did to visit the doctor in the first place. And even though I was waiting there – and kept making eye contact with the tech – they still called me on my cell to let me know it was ready. While I was waiting in the lobby. Sigh.

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Finally, some fun news. I was driving somewhere with Jim in the passenger seat as we rolled towards a red light. From the count-down on the crosswalk I could see that it was about to change and I had just enough time. Still rolling, with one hand on the wheel, I raised my other hand towards the stoplight and quickly intoned:

“In-brightest-day-in-blackest-night-no-evil-shall-escape-my-sight-Let-those-who-worship-evils-might-beware-my-power:”

(quick breath)

“Green Lantern’s LIGHT!”

And the light turned green.

Last Friday was ballet in the park. On a good day, I don’t really get ballet. This one? I really didn’t get it. I’m hoping that I’ll still absorb some much needed culture or appreciation of the performing arts – which is why I keep going – but this was just weird. And not cool-weird, which I enjoy.

On the plus side, the ballet took place in a local cemetery, which is creepy and cool enough at night to justify an odd ballet.

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Saturday, went to a party with some friends. Good food, good conversation, and amazingly – they had a carnival inflatable. It was a Bungee Run – each player fastened a bungee strap around their waist and then raced to the end to tag a strip of Velcro to the farthest point down the track. It was a surprising amount of work and hilariously fun. The recoil would drag the participants back to the starting point – sometimes head over heels. I did pretty good and made a good showing of myself while laughing my ass off.

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That night, though, I got sick. Terrible rumble in my stomach, sudden cold chills, and feeling flushed. Figured I just ate too much or the wrong thing and would sleep it off.

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I wasn’t feeling 100% on Sunday, but already had plans to go out to dinner with friends.

Unfortunately, we went to a Mexican restaurant.

I figured I would get something simple off the menu and that I’d be fine. Had a nice time with the crew – though I think next time we need to plan an additional activity (like a game night) since the conversation lagged a few times.

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That night, the rumble turned into a grumble and I had a low fever. By the time it was time to go to bed, I was wiped out.

Monday morning, I was still sick as a dog. I sent an email into work and went back to bed.

Tuesday, I was back to work and still kinda miserable. I got my work done, but I was not my best. Whatever was churning inside my gut had settled in and had the claws out. That evening, Jim and I went to run some errands. I had an important meeting the next day and while I had an iron (arts and crafts, naturally)  – I didn’t having an ironing board.

So, to Target where I bought an ironing board and a new monitor (thank you, windows 10). When I got home, I rested for a bit, then put up the ironing board and ironed my shirt.

Now, if there has ever been a man who was more disinclined to iron, I would like to meet him so that we could bemoan our fates. I got it done, but only because I had to.
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Back to work again today and we’ve now added some bloating to the list of symptoms – along with diarrhea, constipation (yes, both, but not at the same time), constant nausea, a bit of a cough, and I’m guessing that same very low fever.

But, I tied my tie, dosed myself with hand sanitizer, and went to meet with the president of the university. The meeting had been planned a week ago and I couldn’t not go. It actually went pretty well and my gut didn’t make any weird noises (yea!) I don’t know how much we accomplished, but he seemed nice enough and has a nice office. The university has been through a lot recently and I don’t agree with a lot of his decisions, but he seemed interested in trying to get things back on track. So, we’ll see.

Now, I really need to proof-read this post aggressively because it’s clear I’m not at 100% brain power. In the previous paragraph, I started writing that I “dosed myself with the president” – which I did not do in real life. Before I edit, though, time for another trip to the rest room.

[insert “smooth jazz” or “cool indie music” here, to your preference]

I’m back, the post is edited – and this really is a nice monitor, by the way, glad I got a new one – and it’s time to upload this and call it an early night. If I’m not at least a little better tomorrow, I’m going to try and get a doctor appointment. Tired of being sick.

There was a comic book series that I followed for a while called “the Authority”. Standard super-hero fare, thought a little more over-the-top than most. In one issue, in and among the lasers and explosions, one of the characters [with wings, naturally] flies off to find a very particular little girl in a very particular place and time. This little girl would grow up to be a positive influence on the world around her – but only if she could escape her own misery.

The hero found the girl, dropped out of the sky, and wrapped her arms and wings around the girl and said simply,

“You are loved”

This has been a rough week for the folks at the university. On Wednesday, I got to see two friends on their last days at UA. One was dropping off her laptop and was sitting in the lobby of the building when I walked someone out. We made eye contact and shared a small smile – then she got up and walked over to me. We stood there for just a moment, not knowing where to start or what to say – then I figured it out.

“Can I have a hug?” I asked and her small smile turned into a full one as she opened her arms. We hugged for a moment and she thanked me for the hug and all the work that I’d done for her and her group over the years. We talked about what had happened and her feelings of injustice. She’d been with the university nearly 32 years and I’d really enjoyed working with her.

We shared a moment before she needed to continue her “leaving” process and I needed to get back to the office.

Later that afternoon, another friend that I’d worked with for years was clearing out her office. There was no hesitation there, just an immediate hug and smiles. We talked for just a moment about the good times and how much we enjoyed working together. Then she was off to find more boxes and I was back at my desk trying to sort things out.

So, was I the child that needed comfort at an important time? Or the hero with wings who dropped out of the sky to provide it?

Today, I got a note on facebook from one of my friends. She had seen my posts and was thinking about me – and about all of my colleagues and friends that had lost their jobs. It was one of the kindest and wisest messages anyone has ever given me. Full of hope and strength and warmth. Just a few words, but quite like a hero with wings and a kind determination.

There are more changes in store as we go forward. My group is moving to a new division with new challenges and perspectives. I’ll still be a geek – I think that’s in my DNA – but it will be a new role. My friends that are gone will find new paths. Those that remain will rebuild.

And in and among the lasers and explosions, there are heroes that find those in need with a hug and a warm thought. I guess that’s how we make sense of these difficult and strange times. We reaffirm our connections and we share respect and kindness.

Kinda gives you hope, doesn’t it?

The big list of people that had been cut came out today. And it was devastating all over again. I also got to see and talk to a couple of people that had been at the university for years – and said some tearful goodbyes.

I’ve got thoughts and stories to tell about today – but it’s too much right now.

So, for now, I’m going to post a couple of pictures of my cat.

It’s pretty much all I can handle tonight. Just a little overwhelmed by what we’ve lost this week…

I’ll post more tomorrow as we try and figure out how to fill in the gaps and keep things going.