Author: anthony Page 16 of 72

I usually go to bed around 10 and the other night I woke up again just before midnight.  I was pretty cozy in bed and I don’t know what woke me, but I realized that the two extra pillows I had in bed – one between my knees and the other clutched to my chest – could have been just a little more cozy.

“Hey,” I thought to myself, “A body pillow would be great here.  Wait! I have one of those!”

I debated the idea of getting up, then realized something else.

“If I get up to get that pillow, I could also get a couple of chocolate chip cookies,”

That settled it and I got out of bed.  

“Cookies first,” I decided and without putting on my glasses or turning on lights, I made my way through the dark house and downstairs.

Since I have a pet cat, I always shuffle my feet when I walk in a dark house since I’d rather lightly kick than step on my cat if he gets in the way.  I’m not really sure if that’s better, but that’s what I do.

I made it down the stairs safely, but as I turned the corner to go from the living room into the dining room and then kitchen – I forgot something.

When the puppies come for a visit, I put up a board across the door between the kitchen and dining room to give the super jumping cat a safe place.  And I leave it there so he’s used to it.

I, apparently, am not.

I managed to slam the toes of both of my bare feet into this wildly unyielding board across the doorway.

I didn’t fall, but I swore harshly enough to scare the cat and take some paint off the walls – then managed to hobble to a lightswitch and light up the room.  

Nothing was broken, but I’d managed to tear the nail of my big toe enough that part was sticking up at a sharp point.  

Still, there were cookies in the kitchen and I went ahead and got two.  

Turning off lights as I went back upstairs, I finished my cookies in route and went to the bathroom to trim that nail back to something safe – though even with the lights on I couldn’t see well enough without my glasses.

So, I went to my bedroom and got my glasses, then back to the bathroom to trim the nail.  I checked the rest of my toes to see if there were any problems – bruised, broken, nails torn, bleeding, etc. – and not finding any I went to my library room to find the pillow.  I thought it was in the closet but instead I found it under the bench where my cat likes to sleep.

The pillow was, of course, covered with a huge clump of cat hair that I could have used to make another cat.  I even poked it to make sure it wasn’t somehow really another cat, but it wasn’t.

Too tired to de-fur the pillow, I just turned out the light and went back to my bedroom.  I put away my glasses, got back in bed, and tried to get comfortable again.

“Well,” I thought as I rearranged the pillows, “That was a waste of time,”

Then, a little voice in the back of my head whispered,

“At least you got some cookies,”

And then I fell asleep again.

I don’t know about other people, but I’m certainly a danger to myself.  

They were good cookies, though.  Hmmm…was that little cookie-demanding voice what woke me up?

Last Friday, I fired up the GPS and headed south, then west.  Not that far south – Columbus, OH. And not that far west – Central Illinois.  The drive was astonishingly boring and colorless. Gray, beige and brown. Mostly gray.  The only color on the drive was the endless billboards. Indiana was the worst for that – the entire trip through that state was one billboard after another.  A lot of RV sales, lawyers, pro-gun rhymes, and “IF YOU DIE TONIGHT, WHERE WILL YOU GO?” / “HELL IS REAL!”

Delightful.

The purpose of my drive was to visit my cousin and her family for their son’s 10th birthday.  The birthday boy is all-in with video games and since I’m fluent, it was a big deal for me to visit.  I got in on Friday afternoon and we met the very excited kids at the bus stop when they got off school. Then it was video games and paper folding until dinner – then more games.

Saturday was pancakes for breakfast, then a scavenger hunt around town with birthday presents – followed by a trip to an arcade.  I helped shoot some zombies and raced cars – but the aerial dog-fighting game made me motion sick.

Then out to lunch and back to play more games and get ready to have more family over for a party.  It turned into a late evening and there were a few meltdowns, but I think everyone had fun.  Also, one of the little girls there decided I needed a banana.  I really didn’t but went along with her when she agreed to split one.  She ate one bite and then handed the rest to me – then ran off to do cartwheels.

Kids are weird.

I was up early on Sunday and helped myself to breakfast while I waited for the rest of the crew to wake up.  There was some last minute paper folding lessons and then it was time for me to go.

Or maybe it was time.  The time zone and then the time change threw me off terribly.  My watch and the clock in my car were wrong – but I couldn’t change the car since it was locked out while I was driving.  My watch was far too complicated to try while driving.

My cell phone was showing two different times on one screen and refused to update.  I sort of trusted my GPS, but given the crazy routes it sent me on – I think it was bored – I’m not sure I really believed it.

I don’t know how long the drive took or how many miles I drove – or even really what day it was anymore – but I was glad to pull into my driveway and gladder still to go in my house and see my cat. He was happy to see me too.

Good weekend, but that drive is rough when you’re solo in the car.

Lap 0.5 Lap 1 1.5 Why won’t that woman just return my email instead of calling me and leaving incomprehensible voice-mails? 2 2.5 3 3.5 4 4.5 5 I wish my co-workers would quit fighting every single idea I have. 5.5 6 6.5 7 7.5 8 8.5 9 9.5 10 10.5 11 Lunch was terrible. 11.5 12 Even the pie. 12.5 I got a terrible night’s sleep. 13 13.5 14 Why am I doing this? 14.5 15 15.5 16 16.5 17 Everything is broken and there’s an email about it. 17.5 18 Rest

0.5 1 1.5 2 My speedos are riding up. 2.5 3 3.5 4 4.5 5 And my goggles are fogged 5.5 6 Does the music always have to be this shitty? 6.5 7 7.5 8 8.5 9 9.5 Seriously, is that Bieber? 10 10.5 Drowning might be better. 11 11.5 12 12.5 13 Ugh, that meeting tomorrow is going to suck. 13.5 14 14.5 15 15.5 16 16.5 17 17.5 18 Rest

0.5 1 1.5 Why do I have heartburn now? 2 2.5 3 3.5 4 4.5 5 5.5 6 6.5 This is taking forever. 7 7.5 8 8.5 9 What’s up with all the headaches in the morning? 9.5 10 10.5 11 11.5 12 12.5 13 13.5 14 14.5 15 15.5 16 “Sir, would you please move to the deep end of the pool?” 16.5 Grumble, grumble. 17 17.5 18 Rest

0.5 Can’t lose count. 1 1.5 2 Whoa, leg cramp. Keep going. 2.5 3 3.5 4 4.5 5 Now my arm hurts. 5.5 6 6.5 7 I’ve outlasted the swim team. 7.5 8 8.5 9 9.5 10 10.5 11 11.5 I got this. 12 12.5 13 Unstoppable. 13.5 14 14.5 15 15.5 16 16.5 17 17.5 2 miles, bitches 18 Rest is for the weak.

0.5 1 1.5 2 Damn, my arm really hurts. 2.5 3 3.5 4 4.5 5 Going to pay for this tomorrow. 5.5 6 6.5 7 7.5 8 Not going to stop, though. 8.5 9 Keep going. 9.5 10 10.5 11 11.5 12 “Sir, could you move to the far lane?” 12.5 Seriously? 13 13.5 MASSIVE LEG CRAMPS – BOTH LEGS. 14 Shake it off. 14.5 15 15.5 16 Can’t keep up, can you? 16.5 I’m twice your age! 17 This is my pool! 17.5 Eat my wake! 18              2.5 miles!   90 laps!

Suck it, Wednesday.

The husband of one of Jim’s friends passed away recently and he asked me to go with him to the calling hours.  I had only met his friend once and only in passing, but I went along to provide a little support.

When we got to the funeral home there was a short line to speak to the widow – she was seated in a chair off to the side.  In a few minutes we got to talk to her and I was struck by how terrible our funeral practices can be.  Here was this poor woman, forced by convention, to be “on” for a crowd of family, friends, and in my case – strangers.  She was visibly tired and struggling to remember names – and even the kindest of words couldn’t balance out her loss.

I wanted to clear the room, help her to a more comfortable chair, and just give her a little peace and quiet.

Instead, I tried to be kind and told her I was sorry for her loss.  We didn’t linger long and Jim promised to keep in touch.

I hope that the days and weeks ahead will give her the time to slowly come to terms with her loss.  There were a lot of people saying really nice things, but I wish she hadn’t had to go through that.

———————

It’s tax time and that meant an email from H&R Block to make an appointment for me to get my taxes done.  They picked the day and time and it was fine with me.  I got 3 more emails indicating my appointment for 2/18 at 1:00.  Then I got 5 text messages – including one that asked me to reply to confirm the day and time.  Which I did.  And then another to confirm my confirmation.

The day of, about an hour before my appointment, I got a call from the Tax Expert.  She said she had me down for an appointment the next day (2/19) and would I mind changing that to the following Thursday?  

I replied with some confusion and told her that I thought my appointment was for that day at 1:00.  She apologized, told me that would be good, and said she’d see me soon.

A little puzzled, I gathered up my documents and headed out.

When I got there, she explained that they had a new appointment system that nobody knew how to use and they’d been calling and confusing people since the start of the year.

I recalled that they had the same problems last year – but kept that to myself, After all, I was relying on their Tax Software – not their appointment software.

The actual tax prep went easily and quickly.  I could do this myself, but I get so worked up about it that it’s better if I just pay someone to deal with it on my behalf.

When we were done I paid my bill and headed out.  I got a couple text messages later in the day to say that my Federal and then State tax returns had been accepted.

Then I got another text message telling me that my appointment was for 2/17 at 12:30.  I thought that was the day before – but it was really the appointment reminder for… next year.

Yeah, that’s going to help.  

Sigh.

I hope I don’t get audited.

——————–

Jim has to do some projects for class that involve actual art therapy.  He’s got a friend of a friend that he’s using as his official subject for the class project, but he asked me if I would do this as well – unofficially.

He gave me three pieces of paper and some colored chalk – not my preferred medium – and sat back with a pad of note paper.

The first assignment was to draw anything I wanted – so, I drew some pine trees from a forest near where I lived when I was a kid.  

Mainly because I know how to draw pine trees.

For this one, he asked me a lot of questions about that place, where I would be if I was in the picture, and my memories of it.

Next I was supposed to draw a tree.  I made it too big to really fit on the paper by accident and so I drew a close-up tree with a few small branches and new growth.  Apparently, that means something.  The tree made me a little sad because it reminded me of the trees at work – and those little starts would be clipped off to make the tree more aesthetically pleasing.  Seemed unfair.

The last picture was about how I was feeling.  And since I was feeling overwhelmed at work, well, my brain just dumped out onto the page.  I drew a little blue cube in the corner of the page that was me with a dark cloud over it and a sunny sky far away.  The cube ended up having a fragile scaffolding under it and just making the picture made me start to tear up.

We talked about the colors I used, what the cube meant, and all the little elements of the simple picture.

I was, well, a little raw at the end of it.  And I wanted to cut out the little blue cube and take it with me – but settled for taking a picture.  

I don’t know how much this helped me – I usually sort myself out from situations if given some time – but it did make me see things in a starker light.  

I’ll do the next one for sure – but I’m glad I’ve got a couple weeks.  Took a lot out of me.

The only kinda bogus thing was that he couldn’t really tell me much about what it meant since it would impact how I approached the other sessions.  And I can’t help with proof-reading his papers since I’ll learn way too much about the class and how the sessions go.

It was interesting and I’d recommend anyone with a lot going on in their head to talk to someone with some training.  Even though this wasn’t official I still think I learned something about myself.

And I’m not too worried.  If he saw something really wrong or off in my drawings that pointed to a serious problem, he would have stopped what we were doing and had me speak to a licensed professional. 

Hoping we can skip the chalk next time – I thought it was too messy.  

Wait, does that mean something too?  

Last weekend was the belated birthday party for my oldest niece.  I drove down Saturday morning, they rode with my sister and the girls back northwards to pick up one of their friends for the party and a sleep over.

The party was spy themed – at my niece’s request – and my sister had an adventure planned.   We started off by getting our passports, picking our spy names, and getting fingerprinted.    Then going through a “laser avoidance challenge” of red yard strung across a hallway.

Naturally, I was all-in and had a disguise ready to go – a fake black beard, dark sunglasses, and my trusty fedora.

After we were officially spies, we found out that the party favors had been stolen – but there were clues to help find them.  The kids eagerly raced around the house, figuring out the puzzles and ciphers left and right.  The coolest part was when they got into the right “mode” and were thinking about not just how to solve the cipher – but how to solve the larger puzzle.  It was neat also when one of them would get a burst of inspiration and lead the rest of the kids towards the solution – with very little guidance from the adults.  

The final puzzle had a locked bag with the party favors in it.  The clue was “In the end, the littlest one is the key,”   My younger niece pulled out her necklace with a key on it and said – right on cue – “Maybe this will help,”

She was in on it and adorable.  

From there it was pizza and cupcakes – and a late night for everyone involved.

————————–

One evening this past week was a get together for Current and Former UA Employees.  It was something that was started when the computer center was decimated by staffing cuts.  So, while this event was called something pretty general, it was pretty much a nerd fest.

And I can nerd along with the best of them, but somehow the conversation drifted – as it does – to server configuration and large scale software deployment using multi layers of scripting.  

Naturally.

I listened along, then said to the person sitting next to me, “I think this is how I sound when I talk to my mom,”

It was good to get caught up a little and the buffalo chicken sandwich was a amazing, but I eventually had to call it a night.

I almost – but not quite – had jury duty last week.  

I was at the courthouse early on Monday morning and got through security and checked in at the jury selection room early – armed with a Sudoku book and plenty of paper for the wait.  To my surprise, people kept coming in well after the appointed time – a few folks were as much as a half hour late.  Really?  This is not like missing your reservation at Applebee’s, people.

And quite a few people couldn’t figure out if they were supposed to even be there. There’s a group number, a color code, and a phone number.  Not exactly rocket science.

The staff had us watch a video and we settled in to wait to see if we would be called.  Around 10, a judge came in and explained what was going on.  He was retired and from another county, but had been called in by the Feds to hear a case that had been pending since September – a case where the defendant had just changed his plea to guilty.

The judge went on and thanked us at length for being there – if there wasn’t a jury ready to be seated, the case couldn’t have moved forward and things would not have come to a head.

So, we were essential – but we could leave.

Even though we didn’t get into the courtroom, there was still a certain amount of satisfaction to having been a part in the justice system.  It was a deeply… American thing.   

————

I’ve been trying to get back into swimming regularly and it’s sort of working – though the pool has been less regular than me.  It’s swim team season and the pool is usually mostly full with only one or two lanes open.  I’m not a fast swimmer and can’t really keep up with the circle swimming so it only really works if I can split a lane.  When I’ve got plenty of room, though, I can swim forever.  Did a couple miles in the pool one day last week after work.  

Yesterday was a rough day in the office and there was only one lane open when I got to the pool – and it already had two people in it.  I had been so looking forward to a swim and the idea of having to navigate around 2 other people was too disheartening.  I just headed back to the locker room, got dressed and went home – grumbling all the way.  Then ate dinner and went to bed early.  I was done with the day.

But if I can swim, well, I’m a different person.  I got my laps in today and I was calm and collected on the drive home.  Read Alice in Wonderland while eating a mostly sensible dinner.  And even the hordes of shrieking children at Target couldn’t set me on edge.  And I do literally mean hordes and literally shrieking.  I get that kids sometimes act up, but… wow.  

I gotta figure a way to hang onto that vibe.  Or maybe even swim in the morning before work to improve my… no, that’s so stupid I can’t even consider that.  There’s no earthly way I could train myself to get up and swim before work.  D-U-M dumb.

——————

I usually cruise at 85 to 90% geek, but this past weekend I was at full, 100% geek.  My folks had bought a new laptop and asked for my help in getting it set up and transferring files from their old laptop over.   

We went from the “unboxing” to installing anti-virus, setting passwords, setting up a wireless printer (which was only slightly less terrible than my own wireless printer), and then transferring files.  Of which there were a lot.  And they were huge.  It took a while to get them onto the flash drive, but then from there it wasn’t too bad to get them to the new machine.

We took a break in there for lunch, then worked some more on the set up and did a Windows 10 tutorial.  Then a trip to the bookstore and an early dinner.

I was glad to be able to help and while they could have handled this themselves I think they appreciated having a geek cover all the bases.  And it was nice to just sit and visit as well.

Later that evening, I helped Jim get Office set up on his laptop.  

‘Cause that’s how this geek rolls.  

Today was to have been my oldest niece’s birthday, but her little sister has a bad case of the flu and my sister’s house is effectively quarantined.

So, with a Saturday and no plans, I figured this would be a perfect time to try a sensory deprivation chamber.  I’ve been wanting to try one and found one in the area that a friend of mine had gone to.  Yesterday morning,  I called to make an appointment and left a message.  When they called back I found that they were booked solid on every Saturday til the middle of February.

Apparently, I had underestimated the regional appeal for floating in a tank of salt water in the dark.

I’m on call for jury duty next week so I couldn’t really plan for an evening after work, so I just told them I would check back later and reschedule.

And I was bummed. Disproportionately so.  This past week has been a rough one and I was really stressed out.  The idea of the quiet – really quiet – was so appealing and when it didn’t work out, well, I didn’t do well.

I’ve been anxious about jury duty.  Not the task so much, but the uncertainty.  I don’t do well with uncertainty.  Do, or do not – like Yoda said. So tough to plan. And I freaking love to have a plan.

I’ve also been anxious about taking part in a Nielsen Radio survey.  Which, I know, shouldn’t be a big deal, but I’ve been a little obsessed about the accuracy. 

NPR is counting on me.

And the music playing over the loudspeaker at the pool this week – well, it was so shitty that I changed the stroke I was using just so I’d be under water more. It was soooo bad, I can’t even tell you.    

This all came to a head last night and I got a low-grade anxiety attack last – to the point where Jim told me to “go take a hike”.  

Well, he said it nicer than that and he knows that sometimes a good walk is all I need to settle myself down.

Bright and early this morning I was up and kilted – and headed to a local park for a walk.

I didn’t get cold – in face, at one point, I had to take my scarf, hat, and gloves off since I overheated in the sun.

I did, however, have a bit of a problem with chafing.  Should have powdered my nethers before I headed out – lesson learned.

The hike helped, some.  There were a few loud people that I could have done without, but I got a good hike in and didn’t get lost this time.

I think I’ll be better once this coming week is done.  And I think need to take some time and read the rest of “The Subtle Art of Not Giving F*ck”.  

I’m giving way too many.

 

I turned 45 this past weekend – with very little fanfare.  The weather made it too dangerous for my family to travel for a visit, but I got some nice presents from Jim.  It was a pretty laid-back few days with a couple shopping trips and lots of video games.

Strangely, the idea of being 45 is worse than actually being 45.  I’m physically no different than when I was 44 and 364/365 years old, but it “sounds” older.  Like, middle aged.

I’ll see my family this coming weekend for my niece’s birthday and we’ll celebrate mine then too.

———————-

I had gotten out of the habit of swimming regularly and decided to try and get back in that habit this week.  I’ve only gone a couple times and the pool has been crowded and noisy.  I’ve had to share a lane and my form and speed are both off – but it does feel nice to get back in the water.  As the lap counter in my head ticks off each turn, I’m reminded that I’m a swimmer.

Though I wish Flaily McHogsALane would learn to stay on his side.  If he smacks me one more time, I’m going to start taking it personally.

———————-

The semester has started at UA and I was feeling pretty good about the schedule I’d put together for the switchboard.  

Too good, in fact, since the fates decided to show me the error of my hubris.

One of my students assistants just. Stopped. Showing. Up.   No phone call or email – nor any response to mine.  Just…not coming to work anymore.

Another student said they had talked to her and that she had dropped her classes and withdrew from school.  I get that – college isn’t always for everyone – but a heads up would have been appropriate.  So, I’m kinda bummed about losing a good employee and the hassle of keeping things covered until I can go through the whole process of hiring someone new.

—————–

I read an article recently about some folks that  – aware they were spending too much time on their phones – deliberately made the phone “less interesting” by switching to Grayscale instead of full color.

The idea being that we’re simple creatures attached to bright colors.  Without that, the phone is less interesting than, say, the real world.  

Intrigued, I gave it a try yesterday.  It’s simple enough to change over, but the effect is serious.  The games on my phone hold less allure and Facebook doesn’t catch me in the “scroll forever” that it used to.  

Strange.

I’m free of the pull, but I kinda don’t want to be.  What’s the point of carrying this computer in my pocket all day if I’m not addicted to it?

I’ll keep it in that mode for a while, I think, just to see how it goes.  Can’t quite live without it, but it’s no longer as important.

One thing for sure – my battery lasts forever now.

My phone rang at 11:30 last night and a call that late is either a wrong number or bad news.  It was my former room-mate, Larry, and the news was the worst.

His mom, my friend Louise, had passed away.

I was stunned and not very coherent, but I managed to express my sympathy and thanked him for letting me know – and asked how he was doing.  He said it had happened a ½ hour before he called and I realized he was still in shock too.  He promised to let me know about arrangements and we ended the call.

I tried to go back to bed, but my mind was racing.  All the conversations I’d had with her and all the times I’d spent – was it enough?  Could I have done more?

I got up and fired up the video game console – hoping a mindless game would settle my head.  And so, I sat in the dark with the sound turned off and guided little lego figures around the screen to collect still more legos.

After a while I got tired and cold and went back to bed – only to see that I had a text message.  It was from one of Louise’s grandsons. He told me that she’d been in the hospital and he and his brother got the call to come – but that he couldn’t get there in time.

I knew that the stress of being in New York had taken its toll on her, but I didn’t know how bad it had gotten. The last time I’d talked to her she said she was planning on wrapping things up in New York after the 1st and then moving back to Ohio permanently in February.  I figured I’d have more time to see her…

Later today I’ll try to check in with her family and see how they are doing.  I may be able to get more details, but the “why” and “how” are less important than the salient fact:  She’s gone.

I got a call a couple weeks ago from the Red Cross.  I was due to give blood again and they wanted to know if I would participate in a special blood drive.  I said sure, then asked what it was about.  They were hosting two special days – the 25th of December and the 1st of January.

Wait, what?

I was a little incredulous – seemed like a terrible idea to me – and asked if I could donate on another day.  I think they associate was disappointed, but suggested the 12th.  It was a Tuesday at 5 and I figured I’d have time to eat a snack before I went to donate.

On Tuesday I went through the Rapid Pass (health history) questions online while I was still at work, then headed out at my usual time.  I stopped at the McDonald’s near the the blood drive center and got a snack – which was a mistakes for several reasons.  The biggest one was that the restroom smelled like a zoo and the floor was sticky.  I washed my hands – a lot – then arrived at the appointment with time to spare – then had to check in at the security desk.

Really?  You get a lot of break-ins?  You know vampires aren’t real, right?

Anyway, I got checked in at the main desk and waited to be called back.  I had my coat off and my sleeves rolled up, my Rapid Pass was printed, donor card at the ready, and food in my belly so I wouldn’t pass out afterwards.

I was in the zone.

They scanned my barcodes, then pricked my finger to check my iron.  It was fine, but they did a poor job on the band-aid and I started to bleed through it.

Then they checked my blood pressure and we suddenly had a problem.  It was too high.

She asked if I’d been running around today and well, yes, of course.  That’s my only speed – full. I even sleep fast.

She had me sit quietly for a bit to settle down and I tried to relax.  Someone else came in to check it again – and swap out my band-aid.

But the pressure was still too high. She asked if I’d been eating salty foods and I had. Since it was too high to donate, I got a 1 day deferral.  I was welcome to come back and try again – but for that day, I was done.

I got my paperwork, put my coat back on, and sighed out at the security desk.

It was dark by this point, the streets were covered in snow, and I was in downtown Akron at rush hour trying to drive up a hill with everyone else in the city.  The 10 minute drive took me almost an hour and I spent all of that deeply bummed out.

I’ve given a lot of blood over the years – over 9 gallons – and I rarely have any trouble with my iron or the time it takes or getting faint. I’ve done whole blood and double reds and I know just what to expect and what to do.

But, this time, I failed.  I hadn’t taken good enough care of myself and now – I couldn’t help someone else.

Because it’s not just about the number of pints or the free cookies – it’s a chance to really help someone else in a powerful way.  

And I couldn’t.

I know how to fix this – get back to the pool, start eating better, cut back on salt – but at the time I just felt really defeated.

I finally got home and just sat on the couch for awhile until it was time to take a shower and go to bed. I stayed bummed out for several days, though I’m a little better now.

Just felt a little defeated about the whole thing.

And I’ll try again, but… not for a while.