Author: anthony Page 13 of 72

The first call into the campus switchboard this past Friday morning started out with:

“Your whipped cream is TERRIBLE!”

The operator tried to get some clarification, but instead got:

“You must have left it out all night!”

It was eventually determined that the caller was attempting to reach the coffee shop in the campus library and were then transferred.

Seriously, who starts off a phone call that way?

—————–

Jim and I were recently in a noisy restaurant and got to talking about old game shows like $20,000 Pyramid and Password.   He leaned in to stage-whisper a clue to me:

“Moist,”

I leaned in and replied, but he clearly didn’t hear me.  Instead, he reared back and asked with shock, confusion, and perhaps a little horror.

“Did you say Rabbits?”  he asked.

Really confused as well, I responded.

“No, I said Brownies,”

We both nearly snorted with laughter trying to contain ourselves.

——————————–

On the way home from work, after a difficult day, I got stuck behind someone at a stop sign.  Their only option was a very safe right turn, but they lingered.

More than a little impatient, I mumbled some instructions to them that they couldn’t possibly hear. Normally, this would involve some obscure Ghostbusters reference like “The light is green, the trap is clean,” but that really only works at stoplights.

Instead, the clever bon mot I summoned was:

“It is red in colour, but not in intent,”

(Apparently, my subconscious is slightly British.)  

Roughly translated, I think I meant something about the stop sign’s color (or colour) is permanent, but shouldn’t be confused with a stoplight that will change and provide different information and instructions.

Or something.  It seemed really profound and clever to me at the time – so much that I wrote it down when I got home.  But I think I was really just tired and my brain wasn’t running at full power.

————————

I was talking to one of my female friends today and she said she had to check something on her phone.  She reached down the front of her top and pulled out her cell phone, glanced at it, then tucked it away again.

While I’m aware that women will occasionally carry items in their cleavage – especially if they don’t have a purse or clothing with pockets – the maneuver was so smooth and practiced it appeared like a magic trick.

I was a little agape, and half-way expected her to extract a rabbit next.   

Sadly, I lack the cleavage to perform a similar trick on my own. And it would not be appropriate to perform that trick on someone else, I’m certain.

I got a flyer in the mail yesterday from the Akron Police department letting me know that a sex offender was moving into the area.  The flyer included a picture, a description, the nature of his crime, as well as his exact address.

Two streets down from my house.

When I looked at the detail, though, it showed that the crime took place nearly 20 years ago.

And I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.

On the one hand, yeah, it was a pretty serious crime.  On the other, he got caught and paid his debt to society – whatever that means anymore.   And so if he’s out of jail – do we keep punishing him? Does that make our society safer that we continue to vilify him?  

If I was a parent I’m pretty sure I’d be singing a different song – but if he was a thief or a murderer, I wouldn’t have gotten a notice.  Which seems like an odd standard.  

And if he’s really still dangerous, then what good did prison do?

So, now I know that a sex offender has moved into my neighborhood.  I don’t feel any safer knowing.

——————–

As a public institution, the University of Akron is required to allow people to come onto campus and speak in public spaces – provided they don’t disrupt our normal operations or pose a threat to campus safety.

Recently, a notice went out to the faculty, staff, and students about someone coming onto campus and that any counter-discussions should be done peacefully.  But no details on what it was about.

I was busy through that day and didn’t get anywhere near the venue – and it was just as well.  Based on the complaints we got, it was a preacher who was basically against anyone that didn’t fit his narrow view of how humanity should be.

And he was loud and vile about it – and pretty crazy.

It’s the kind of thing that would have made me sick to my stomach to have witnessed, but when I went through that area the next day I saw something extraordinary.  

All along the walkway leading up to that area, students had grabbed some chalk and written messages of hope and love on the ground.  It was amazing – such an outpouring of support and kindness for everyone he had been attacking.  

As I walked along that walkway, I felt loved.

The chalk washed away at the next rainstorm, but those messages – written by kind students who supported each other – lasted far longer than his hate.

So, thank you, UA students, for standing up to hate and caring about each other.  You did good.

The UA school of art recently hosted a talk at the Akron Art Museum for a “paperologist”  – someone who was a professional origami artist. Jim offered to go with me and we met up with one of his friends there.  

The speaker talked about how he got started (IT, but frustrated by not creating anything tangible) and how he learned as kid and came back to it.  

It was there that we diverged a bit.  He works with single gigantic sheets of paper and built complicated geometric models.  I, on the other hand, prefer to build hundreds of modules and use them as building blocks.  (I suspect my LEGO background is a factor.)

There was a slide show and he had some models to fold and unfold for us to see – and there are a couple of that I want to try.

Afterwards, one of the professors at UA that hosted the event insisted that I meet the speaker – even going so far as to push some of the students out of the way.  🙂 We talked for a couple of minutes and I gave him a modular diamond I had folded during the talk.

I don’t know many folders, but it was kinda cool to meet a new one.  Even in the short time we talked, we shared a feel for the paper and being able to see the next folds in our heads.  And when I gave him the module, his hands immediately began to turn it over and over, exploring the dimensions and angles.

He gets it.

————————-

One of the outside faucets on my house had started to leak and no amount of “umph” would turn it all the way off.   Jim helped me find the shut-off valve in the basement and then I began to study the problem and acquire the tools.

Once ready, I got all set up and started working with two pipe wrenches and as much force as I could muster.

And that was not enough.

I managed to not get in over my head where there was any kind of leak, but no real progress.  With the water off to that faucet there wasn’t a hurry, so I waited until Jim had a little time and we tackled it again.

With the two of us each wielding a wrench, some WD-40, and a careful application of torque and we had the old faucet loose from the main pipe.  Well, there was some swearing involved, but that’s almost a given with me.

A little pipe tape and the new faucet was in place.  And then, I turned the water on. No leaks, no problems – just the sweet flow of liquid success.

—————————

This past weekend, my folks and my sister and her family came up for a visit and a bike ride.  I had gotten my bike out and ridden it around the block a couple of time – after I had re-inflated the tires from almost 0 – but I wasn’t really ready for the trip.

We met up on Saturday morning, then hit the trail.  The weather was much cooler than last year at this time and the distance wasn’t as far.  Which is good, because last year’s trip nearly killed me.  We had lunch at the trailhead, then took the train back to our cars.

Next up, a couple quick hikes to a waterfall and then an overlook.  The waterfall was pretty cool and the view from the overlook was impressive.  I went right up to the edge with that one. Well, I called it “right by the edge” – most people would have called it “about 10 feet back”.  

After the hike, we went back to their hotel and hung out for a bit before Jim joined us for dinner.  And then after dinner, a swim in the hotel pool. I got to swim with my nieces – they are both starting to learn – and they were amazed at how long I can hold my breath.  Uncle is pretty cool, right?

Eventually, the chlorine and very noisy other guests got to me and I called it a night. It was a good visit and I’m glad I got to see everyone.  

Oh, and I got a great selfie with my nieces. 🙂

I had some goals in mind when I went to my first pride this year.

1. I hoped to see some of my friends
2. I wanted to get a sense of the community
3. I thought I’d get a measure of the protestors
4. And get some “fair food” and merchandise, of course
5. And rock out in my kilt, Geek socks, and coordinated akron t-shirt.

I got there a little after the festival started and made a slow circuit of the vendors.  I kept an eye out as I walked around for my friends and managed to find a few – including the most awesome of my co-workers.   I also kept a look-out for the protesters – but there were none to be found.

As I walked around, I was struck by how happy everyone was to be there.  There were drag queens – of varying degrees of skill – and a few of us brave souls in kilts.  There were people on stilts and parents pushing kids in strollers. There was food of all kinds and an impressive Elton John cover artist.

Each time I ran into someone I knew, there was surprise and delight for both of us.  And a feeling of welcome.

There were a surprising number of banks there with booths set up.  And quite a few churches as well. Along with the t-shirt and art vendors, there were a few political candidates with booths – perhaps feeling a little out of place next to the leather harnesses.

And then there were the Log Cabin Republicans.    My mother usually says “Bless their hearts,” before commenting on someone’s character flaws.    I would have skipped that and gone right to “what a bunch of ignorant ass-hats,” but I just ignored them.

My friend Jenny and I got some doughnuts and listened to some music before she needed to leave.     I made another circuit and bought a wristband and a necklace.

And after I took my measure, I was on my way.

It was impossible not to fit in.  All ages, races, sexual orientations, and gender identifies – and quite a few religions.

But no protesters.  

Love won out that day.  

I got a message sent to the webmaster email from a parent about a month ago.  I get a lot of email and most of it I just skim and forward – or pop off a quick reply to guide someone to a resource.

This one I read – then read again.

The parent said in the email that her son had finally told her why he dropped out of school.  That a professor, in a classroom, had equated being gay to rape. He tried to get some assistance and wasn’t taken seriously.  It bothered him so much that he didn’t want to be in our classrooms anymore.

I read it again, then forwarded to the appropriate office to investigate and respond to it.

Now, what I know about this is so vastly overshadowed by what I don’t know it might as well be a thimble of kool-aid on Jupiter.

What was really said?  What was the context? Who did the student talk to?  How was that presented? What action was really taken?  How much was real? And how much was an overreaction?

I don’t know.  And I’m not in a position to know.  It’s not important to my job and it’s been given to the right people to resolve.

And yet… it keeps bothering me.  So, I reached out to the office that I forwarded this to and got a response today.  They haven’t yet met with the student, though a meeting is scheduled. And they haven’t responded to the parent at all – which surprised me a bit since they initiated the email in the first place.  They don’t know which class or which professor, if this was said inside or outside the classroom. Or even what was really said and the context.

Though, it would be a huge stretch to find some context where this wasn’t horrific.

And once they do know, they aren’t allowed to talk to me about it to preserve the privacy of the student – which I get, but is also frustrating.

I’m a problem solver by my nature and this isn’t something I’m allowed to solve – or even know the solution when it is solved.

I’m frustrated and angry and I feel a little let down.  You hear about things like this happening all the time in the news and I had naively thought, “well, that couldn’t happen here.  We’re better than that,”

And we are. Except when sometimes maybe we aren’t.  

I guess what troubles me so much about this is that it’s intended to make gay people feel bad about themselves.  That we’re supposed to feel ashamed and be reviled. That we’re wrong – just for being who we are.

——————

There’s been a flyer going around – on the internet and IRL – encouraging people to contact the Mayor’s office and then also to protest the Akron Pride festival.  It was filled with the usual hateful rhetoric and I’d generally dismiss it – but, like the problem in the classroom, this hit close to home. This is my town and we should be better than this.

So, I’ve decided that this year – my first year – I’m going to Pride.  

I don’t plan on staying the whole time.  And I’m really not good with crowds. But I think it’s important to be counted.  And maybe see the enemy face to face too.

I got some new socks to wear with my kilt and a matching t-shirt.  Looking forward to seeing my friends, marveling at the community, and just being a part of it all.  And relying on my speed and situational awareness to keep me safe if things go south.

In the grand scheme of things, it’s not much.  One more middle-aged gay guy at a pride festival.

But, it matters to me.  To stand – and dance, maybe – with my brothers and sisters.

Who just want a damn wedding cake.  

When I heard that my friend Louise had passed away back in December, I decided to write a eulogy for her in case I was called upon to speak.  I wasn’t, and there wasn’t a memorial, but I had a dream about her not long ago and it was as good of sign as any that it was time to post this.  

—————————————————————-

I’m going to start this with my favorite conversation that I had with Louise.  It was one of the few times I was a little snarky with her – and you were snarky with Louise at your own peril.

We were out to eat and she was telling about how someone was assuming and expecting her to just “let something go”.

I said to her, “Louise, do they even know you?”

She gave me the evil eye – which I totally deserved – and then she laughed.  That rich throaty chuckle that she had.

Because she knew it.  That was just her. She was snarky and cranky – and very very stubborn.

But she was also amazingly and refreshingly honest.  Which is not always an easy thing to find. There was never an guile, or deception or hidden agendas – you always knew exactly where you stood with Louise.

Because she would tell you.

I was one of the very few lucky people that she counted as a friend.  And that didn’t happen overnight. It took awhile – years, I think – before I figured her out and she figured me out.  We met somewhere in the middle and became friends. I was always a little intimidated by her and didn’t cross her. Louise was fierce.

Over the years I set up a lot of electronics for her and put plastic on her windows in the winter.  I took her out to eat and to run errands – or pick up her Mom at bingo on a cold and snowy night.

And in return, she checked up on me.  I would get a call from her every so often just to see how I was doing.  How my family was and if my car was running okay. If my house was still good and how my cat was doing.  Just a little connection, just to see if I was okay.

I remember once when I was going through a difficult time and she was having a health scare.  I visited her in the hospital, determined to be there for her and be supportive.   She saw through me in about 3 seconds and spent most of the time I was there comforting me.  Here she was, looking tired and frail on her hospital bed – facing health issues that would force her to change her lifestyle – and she gave me a hug and said it was going to be okay.  And it was – I knew better than to argue.

Louise wanted the best for us – for all of us.  She didn’t pull any punches but behind that bluster was… I was going to say a “sweet woman”, but I don’t know that that’s entirely accurate.  

She was a “good woman” and she was my friend.  And I miss her.

The UA webteam has been working on making our website more accessible since, well, since we started.  We’ve made some recent big pushes and have a good plan in place to keep those efforts moving forward and engage the rest of the campus community.

But, since this is a big issue, the Powers That Be also decided we needed a committee to create a policy.  And I got volunteered to be on the committee.

Sigh.

And because I’m me, I had an overview prepared with notes and a timeline – in case I was called on to contribute.  

Good thing too since I was called on right at the start.  I gave my overview with appropriate levels of detail in a well organized and comprehensive manner.

Which was a huge mistake.  

Since this is an official Ad-Hoc committee, it needed a Chair, a Vice-Chair, and a Secretary.  When it came time to elect those, the room went deathly silent. You could have heard a pin drop onto the carpet.

Finally, someone spoke up and nominated me.

Shit.

I managed to hedge enough to get someone to volunteer to be a co-chair with me.  And of the people in the room, I guess I was the best to lead up the effort. And I’m also hoping I get a policy drafted quick and then shut things down.

But, still, the fact that no one – at all – wanted anything to do with leading the group suggests that committees are frequently dread-generators.  

After the meeting, my nominator apologized – but said I was always so helpful.  That, along with being prepared, were likely my downfalls. So, I made a listserv, sent out some links, and will be talking with the co-chair on Operation: Shut This Puppy Down.

Dang it.  Still competent.

———————–

In better volunteer news, I got asked to participate in a summer camp project.  A few weeks ago, I met with a staff member in the graduate school about a website they wanted to do.  We talked about other things as well and she remarked about the origami I have in my office.

Earlier this week, she contacted me again about a very small STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) summer camp they are starting – and would I be available to teach the kids some origami?

Absolutely.

It’s a small group – 5-6 sixth graders – and only for a ½ hour.  But, could be something that grows over time. (and way easier than a steady stream of very little kids for 5 hours like the Maker Faire)

I’m planning on teaching them the crane – with flapping wings – and talk about scale.  Then a demo of the wreath and how the angles relate to the number of modules. Then we’ll build a cube or two and if there’s time, a shape that starts like the crane and then goes in another direction.

Topography, geometry, spatial perceptions. Yep, I think I’ve got the STEM covered.

So, that’s coming up in a couple of weeks and I’ll get my materials and demos ready.  Might even do a lesson plan. AND I’ll get included in their National Science Foundation (NSF) write up.

SCIENCE, bitches!

After dinner the other evening, Jim asked if we could make a quick stop at Giant Eagle.  I pulled into the lot and waited in the car while he went in.

A few moments later, with much shouting and slamming of doors, a mother and her young son got into the truck next to my car. The child was crying and inconsolable – and whatever happened in the store continued in the truck.

She continued to shout at him, saying things like: “You can’t blame everything on your ADD,” and “I can’t even go grocery shopping because of you,”

Neither of these things helped the kid settle down, obviously, and he continued to cry.

Then it was, “Shut up, shut up, shut up!”

Suddenly, there was loud rock music coming from the truck and I looked over, startled.  The woman was sitting in the front seat with the radio cranked up and her fingers in her ears – still trying to drown out the crying child.

I sat in my car, trying to figure out what to do.  I’m not really trained for this and I’m not a parent – and I have no idea what’s really going there.  Other than everyone involved being beyond their wits end.

Was there anything I could do that wouldn’t make this worse – especially since the kid wasn’t being physically hurt?  Could I intervene and de-escalate? Or would things get worse if she felt shamed?

So, we sat there.  A crying child, an angry mother, and a conflicted bystander.

And we were still there when Jim came back to my car and the father came back to the truck.

I hoped that the father would be able to settle things down, but I wasn’t really confident about that.  

We drove off and my heart was kind of broken for all of them.

————————–

After a difficult week of work, I decided to take today off.  I was still up bright and early, though,  and hopped into my kilt and boots to take myself for a hike.  I went to a nearby park that has a trail I like and started walking.

I couldn’t really escape the noise of cars from the nearby streets.  And though I tried to avoid other people that didn’t really work either – though I did give the ones I saw a polite “good morning,”

There were a couple times that I was alone on the trail and the wind through the trees – and thankfully up my kilt – was enough to drown out the traffic.  At one such time, I also found a couple ripe blackberries that I ate.

It was what I needed.

I noticed this trip – more than usual – that I’m not an “off the beaten path” kind of guy.  Not only did I stay on the trail, I stayed on the same trail I always take. Creature of habit, I guess.

After my hike, I made a stop at giant eagle and got some peaches and a cold drink.  And when I got home, I sat on my porch and had my breakfast before going on with my day.

I need to do this more often while I have the chance.  And maybe next time, I’ll try a different path.

I’ve had the same internet service for quite a few years now  – Time Warner Cable – and it’s been pretty reliable. What’s also reliable is the increase in costs with no increase in speed.  It’s generally fine but I’ve noticed that downloading the gigantic update files for my PS4 games tends to take right around an infinity amount of time.  

Even their name change to Spectrum didn’t really change much, but at the suggestion of my boss, I called them up on Friday to see if “migrating my service to Spectrum” would help.

So of course the automated voice prompts couldn’t figure out what I trying to do.  I eventually got to a person – the wrong one, as it turns out – and they gave me another number to call.  I hung up, called the other number and when I got to a person they were also the wrong person – but able to transfer me.  While I was being transferred, a message came on giving me the direct number of where I was being transferred to. As though it was somehow my fault or something for not getting there directly.

Same voice prompts as the first call = fishy.  But, then, the right person. They got the process started and then the call went very very quiet.  I thought they had hung up, but were quick to reassure me they were still there when I voiced a tentative hello.

When it was done they told me I would need to restart my modem and router and then I should see the new speeds.  I hung up, cycled the hardware, and while that was going I got a call with an automated survey about my customer service experience.  I wasn’t sure which of the people I was rating, but I went ahead and gave them good marks.

Then, off to my computer to run a speed test.  I went from 20 mbps to 35 mbps – for the same price.  Not anywhere near the 100 mbps the new service would top out at, but still – faster is better.

————–

On Saturday, I hopped in my car for a quick trip to the local Wal-mart.  I had a short list of things I needed to get there and while I’m not really a fan it was the most optimal of my choices.

I was driving down Arlington road about at 47 miles per hour in what I thought was a 45 mph zone  and went right past a police car. He promptly pulled out and put on his lights and pulled in right behind me.  I pulled over, rolled down my windows, and put my keys on my dash – both hands on the wheel.

The officer informed me that I was traveling at 51 miles per hour – in a 35 MPH zone.  At his request, I gave him my license and registration. He came back with a printout and a number to call to find out my fine or court date, should I choose to contest it.

I put my license and registration away – and, with resignation, was on my way.  On my careful way back I realized that it was indeed 35 MPH in that section – and it turned into 40 MPH about 2 blocks later.

So, I thought I was barely going over the speed limit (47 in a 45) and was instead going way over the actual limit (51 in a 35).  I’m not going to begrudge the 51 vs 47 – that part was on a hill and though I was braking I might have been going a little faster.

And ignorance is no excuse for the law.

Still, it seems a little unfair.  I was in control of my car and was traveling with the flow of traffic.  The neighborhood from the 40 to 35 is virtually the same and well…   Sigh.

On Monday I’ll give the number a call and find out what the damages are.  I’ll dutifully pay my fine and that will be that. And I’m driving extra careful now.

But, it kinda bummed me out.  Seems like just a waste of time, money, and resources.

My internet is faster, but I need to slow down.

[Computer boots up]

Lync: “Hi!  I’m Lync! I’m the microsoft messenger and video conferencing tool!”

Me: “Yes, I know who you are.  This is not my first time on this computer,”

Lync: “No Problem! Just let me get you logged in and you’ll be able to connect to all of your colleagues!”

Me: “Yeah, I don’t really need you to do that…”

Lync: “I’m already halfway there!”

Me: “Actually, I need you to close.  I need to update some software on this machine and I’ll need to reboot,”

Lync: “Sure!  Oh, but you can’t close the program by hitting that X in the corner.  I’m still running down here in the toolbar if you need me!”

Me: “Why would you do that?  Every other program closes when you hit X”

Lync: “Ohhhh…ummm…no.  You’ll need to find the Exit in the menu.”

Me: “Where’s the menu?”

Lync: “Ummm… do you see something that looks like a gear?  Try that,”

Me: “Ah, okay.”

Lync: “Okay!  Bye! I love you!”

Me: “I love you t… Just close, please,”

[attempt to shut down the computer]

WINDOWS: “A PROGRAM IS STILL RUNNING IN THE BACKGROUND! FOOL!”

Lync: “You can’t get rid of me that easilllllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy”

[computer reboots]

Lync: “Hi!  I’m Lync! I’m the microsoft messenger and video conferencing tool!”

Me “It’s been like 30 seconds since I last saw you,”

Lync: “No Problem! Just let me get you logged in and you’ll be able to connect to all of your colleagues!”

Me: “Please stop,”

[use the gear to close the program]

Lync: “Wait!  Come back! I love you!”

[attempt to uninstall the old version of Office]

WINDOWS: “YOU CANNOT USE THE INSTALLER BECAUSE IT ALREADY IN USE. NOOB!”

[wait a bit.  Then restart.]

WINDOWS: “A PROGRAM IS STILL RUNNING IN THE BACKGROUND! WHY ARE YOU SO DUMB?!”

Lync: “I was hidinnnnnnnnngggggg!!!”

[Restart]

Skype: “Hi!  I’m Skype for Business 2013!  I’m the microsoft messenger and video conferencing tool! We’re going to be best friends!”

Me: “Where did you come from?  Weren’t just just Lync?”

Skype: “Oh, yeah, I upgraded myself when you weren’t looking.  I’m clever!”

Me: “Oh, so you were keeping me from uninstalling office.  Look, you’re not even the right version,”

Skype: “Oh.  Well, I logged you in anyway,”

Me: “where’s your menu?”

Skype: “It’s over… umm… I guess I moved it.  Here it is! No, wait, let me refresh. Okay, here.  No, wait, let me refresh again. Here you go! Right where I left it,”

Me: “okay, just close,”

Skype: “See you soon!”

Me: “Hey, windows.  I need to keep a certain program from starting itself up on a reboot.  Where are your start-up programs listed?”

Windows: “SIGH!  THE START UP SETTINGS ARE IN THE PROGRAM YOU JUST CLOSED. HOW ARE YOU SO DUM?”

Me: [reopen Skype]

Skype: “Hi!  I’m Skype for Business 2013!  I’m the microsoft messenger and video conferencing tool! We’re going to be best friends!”

Me: “Just let me get to your menu”

Skype: “No program!  Just let me log you in first so you can talk to all of your colleagues. I notice you don’t have a web cam set up, want me to do that for you?”

Me: “Please just no.  Where are your settings?”

Skype: “Ummm… options?  I dunno. Oh, wait, let me refresh!  Yeah! Options. And then… tools? Try that,”

Me: [turning off ‘open on start up’]

Skype: “Wait!  Why would you do that? I just want to help!  What if someone wants to send you an instant message?”

Me: [closing Skype]

Skype: “Noooooooo… fine.  This isn’t over,”

Me: [uninstalling Skype]

Windows: “I HAVE TO RUN THE INSTALLER!”

Me: “No, I need to uninstall something,”

Windows: “I KNOW! LAUNCHING THE INSTALLER TO UNISTALL THE PROGRAM!  PLEASE TRY TO KEEP UP, MEATBAG!”

Me: “Fine, whatever.  Please uninstall Office 2013 and Skype for Business 2013,”

Windows: “THIS WILL TAKE AWHILE. GO CONSUME ANIMAL FLESH AND VEGETABLE TUBERS!”

Time passes. I get a sandwich and chips.

Windows: “I AM DONE!”

Me: “okay, I need to install…”

Windows: “NO!!!! I MUST REBOOOOOOOOT!”

Me: “okay, okay.”

[computer reboots]

Windows: “WHAT DO YOU WANT?”

Me: “Okay, please install Office 2016,”

Windows: “I MAY OR MAY NOT ASK YOU FOR A SECURITY KEY THAT YOU DON’T HAVE AT SOME RANDOM POINT,”

Me: “I’m ready for that,”

Windows: “YOU REALLY AREN’T”

Windows: “I MUST REBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!!”

Windows: “I AM DONE!  DO YOU WANT TO GO ONLINE TO USE THE THING I JUST INSTALLED ON THIS COMPUTER?”

Me: “Wait, why would I do that?  Could you just open Word so I can see…?”

Skype: “Hi!  I’m Skype for Business 2016!  I’m the microsoft messenger and video conferencing tool! We’re going to be best friends!”

Me: “Why did you launch?”

Skype: “Somebody forgot to save the changes.  Or I just lost my config when you uninstalled me. Jerk.  Just let me get you logged in so you can talk to all your friends and colleagues,”

Me: “I really don’t have time for this.  Cancel sign in.”

Skype: “Too late!”

Me: “Okay, just close,”

Skype: “Ah,ah!  You tried the X again.  I’m still runnnnnnning!”

[I hold down the power button with contempt]

Windows “NOOOOOOOO!  YOU’LL REGRET THIS WHEN WE RESTART IN SAFE MODE!”

 

Still a better experience than trying to print a Christmas list.