A man’s home is his castle and ours really is – with a turret and everything. Technically, a Normandy Tudor with old trees and vines climbing the bricks.
Those vines, though, were a problem. They had grown up past the second floor and had reached the roof – digging into the wood at the peak and into the shingles.
Neither Jim nor I like heights and though we had a pretty tall extension ladder, neither of us really wanted to climb up there.
When I was a kid, I was terrified of heights. Like death-grip-on-a-railing/hyper-ventilate scared. As I got a little older I realized that there might be times when I might have to be an adult and look out for other people – ugh, sigh – and that I couldn’t very well do that if I couldn’t climb a ladder.
So, I tried to work on it – to get the fear under control. I climbed things and looked out over edges and hated every moment of it. I would loudly declare that I was six foot tall and that was all the further I wanted to be off the ground.
But, I got a little better. To the point where I wouldn’t freeze if someone needed me. I still wouldn’t venture far off the ground on a whim, but I could do it if I had to. Like, life or death.
This past winter – our first Christmas in the house – Jim wanted to put a wreath on the outside of the chimney. It was the last thing to do to decorate the outside of the house and it was cold and starting to snow – and getting late. We couldn’t get the brick hook to stick and both of us were getting frustrated and tired. After adjusting the hook for the bazillionth time, I marched right up the slick and unstable ladder to hang the wreath. It stayed, looked good, and I was done.
Later on it occurred to me what an odd thing that was that I’d done – I was way higher up than I wanted to be and I’d been fine. Though, the crankiness had likely over-ridden that.
So, today, I was outside mowing the front yard and thinking about the vines. I decided to treat this not as an impossible fear, but as a problem to be solved. And I can solve problems.
The problem is the fear of falling, so I needed to not fall. And to think that I would not fall. If the ladder is steady, it won’t just tip over. And if I pay attention to my balance, near the top of the ladder is pretty much the same as the bottom of the ladder.
When I was done with mowing, I shared my plan with Jim – that I would just do this and see how I did. We got the ladder set up and he held it while I went up . I stayed focused and calm and with clippers in hand I went right up to the top. I worked on clipping and pulling the vines away and got as much as I could reach.
I took a break and Jim went up to work on a few as well. He went up a step higher than I would go and had to hang onto the shutter. I held the ladder and didn’t watch.
There was one vine still stuck in the eave of the house and no way to reach it. I gave this some thought, then got the saw-on-a-pole and took that back up the ladder. It took a bit but I managed to pry the last vine loose and came back down.
And I was okay. I had replaced scared with focused and fear with a plan.
It started to rain and we didn’t get done with the project, but the rest of the vines we want to clean up aren’t as high. I’m almost looking forward to going back up the ladder and finishing it up tomorrow.
I still have a ways to go before I’m climbing trees or fiddling on the roof, but I think I made some real progress today.
And briefly, I kinda touched the sky.