loss

I got a call from my sister earlier this week – my dad’s brother Roger took his own life recently. Roger – or Uncle Dodge, as we called him – had been estranged from most of the family for a long time. I don’t really know what caused it, other than some bits and pieces that didn’t quite add up, but it had been many years since I’d seen him or talked to him.

I didn’t really know him that well when I was growing up. In contrast to my dad, Uncle Dodge was kinda loud and intense – maybe a little intimidating, perhaps. We didn’t visit his family often and while his family visited with the rest of the relatives for holidays we didn’t seem to mesh. Or maybe that was just me – it was a long time ago.

My best memory of Uncle Dodge was when I was in college and spending the summer with my grandparents. He took me, his second wife, and my other uncle – and my uncle’s kids – on a rock climbing trip. And for not being a fan of heights, I had a good time – even managed to excel with my long limbs reaching some difficult handholds. It was a much different interaction than when I’d been a kid and I think we both appreciated each other a bit more.

Something happened over the years – still don’t know what – but when his second wife passed away, he didn’t tell anyone until after the funeral. And when my grandmother – his mother – passed away, he wasn’t at the funeral for her with the rest of the family. The same when my aunt – his sister – also passed away.

I bring those up not to paint him in a bad light – though it bothered me at the time. It just seems like, when a family is facing a crisis or a loss like that, this could have been a time for some kind of reconciliation.

And now it’s too late for that.

Being estranged from my uncle makes dealing with his passing both easier and more difficult. Other than a few bright spots from my memories, he was largely a stranger. But I could have done more, could have made more of an effort to reach out. Maybe I could have done something to help bring him back. Maybe.

I talked to my Dad to see how he was doing. He’s tough to read, but I know he’s troubled. We don’t know if there will be a funeral and I didn’t even know what state he was living in – turns out, Florida.

I’m sorry that things turned out as they did and that my uncle found himself in that dark place. And I wonder what we could have done to have things turn out differently for him.

—-

The University of Akron experienced a loss of our own recently – a student accidentally stabbed and killed his room-mate. Reports indicate they were both intoxicated and there was an argument over fast food. Every report mentioned that part – I don’t know if it was in an effort to diminish what happened or that everyone was so incredulous that something so trivial could lead to those consequences.

I didn’t know either of these kids – though I found out one of my student assistants knew them both. She’s struggling to just keep going – finals are next week and her mother had been fighting cancer.

I tried to offer her some kind words and support, but it’s hard to know what to say. Even though I didn’t know either of the kids, they were still part of the UA family and to see such potential lost is deeply saddening. Both for the one that is no longer with us – and missing his graduation – and for the one in a jail cell with his life destroyed.

——

So, feeling a little lost this week. Both my uncle’s death and that of the UA student were at a remove, but no less troubling.

I guess this should make me appreciate what I have and the family and friends around me, but instead I just feel kind of empty and a little numb.

I’ll have some time off around the holidays and it will be good to spent time with my family. There will lights and laughter – warm homes and warm hearts.

But for now I feel for those in the cold and the dark. And wonder if the fates could have been swayed.