I’m not a fan of heights. Like, at all. Frankly, I wish I was a little bit shorter sometimes. I don’t like ladders, have no interest in cleaning my gutters or putting up Christmas lights, and glass elevators are just stupid. “Oh, look at the view,” you say. I reply, “Oh, hell no,”

So, today, I have a meeting in the Polymer Building on campus on the third floor. I rarely take the elevator if I can avoid it, but as I started up the stairs I realized my error. These stairs are right out in the middle of the floor plan, no risers, open metal rails and open on the sides. In short, horrible.

I got up the first flight without too much trouble and by the middle of the second I was walking in the middle of the stairs and gripping the railings on both sides. I also thought I was going to have to blog about this if I survived it. (Done!)

At the top of the second floor, I nearly gave up. The vertigo had kicked in, my palms were sweating and my hands hurt from clenching the railings, and my stomach was doing odd things.

I paused for a moment, whispered to myself, “Do it, you whiny little bitch,” and forged ahead the rest of the way up the stairs. (I guess I’m kinda harsh with myself.) Which took me to a walkway that was open on either side – well, there was a half wall there, but still – and I walked down the middle of that to my meeting.

When the meeting was over, I had a decision to make. Stairs back down or elevator?

There was a moment to marshal my courage, then a whispered, “F*ck it”.

I took the stairs.

Which was better in a way because I was working my way towards the ground. (Yea!) And worse because I could see just how high up I was. (Shit!)

I didn’t kiss the ground when I finally arrived there. I just unclenched my hands and my jaw and went back to my office – on the first floor and partially underground. Ah, semi-dark and enclosed bliss.

I have long been a believer that you can’t conquer a fear of heights standing on the ground. You have to face your fears sometimes or you can’t get past them. I’m still scared of heights, but I maybe made a little progress today.