In the novel “1984”, the character Winston Smith works for the Ministry of Truth – where he edits publications to reflect the Party’s current understanding of the “Truth”.

I’m relating a lot to Mr. Smith these days…

My job grants me access to some 8,500 webpages on our site and with changes to federal and state law, we’re making mad edits to rename or remove programs that are suddenly no longer allowed.

It’s depressing and full of double-speak.

Our diversity department got a new name and I guess a new mission – and had me remove most of the links to their programs from their pages.  

I followed up a few times after that to see if we could repurpose some of those pages and rework them – and got little response.  One of those pages was a list of LGBTQ resources – and while there was no link to it anymore, the page was still out there and available in the search.

Recently, one of my coworkers mentioned working on a flyer for Gay Prom and it reminded me that the page was still out there. 

Since it could potentially fall under the provisions of the new law, I reluctantly reached out to the VP for that group via email.  I offered to update the name of the division on the page, rework the page, or simply unpublish it to remove it from the search. 

I got a call from him within an hour, emphatically requesting that the page be taken down – and thanking me for looking out for his department. 

So, on a website with already very little to say about the LGBTQ community, I unpublished the resource page, the documents, and the images.

A few years back, I had been on the fence about being part of the Zips of Pride – a poster of LGBTQ faculty, staff, and students on campus released as part of National Coming Out day.  I had reasoned then that UA has never done much for the community and if I wanted more, I had to support their efforts – no matter how small.

And now, I was responsible for erasing LGBTQ representation on campus.  

I could have ignored the page – everyone else seemed to have – and I could have waited until we were “caught” before being directed to take it down.  But, it’s my job to keep track of everything on the site and be a responsible caretaker.

But this one bothered me.  I felt like I had betrayed my community – even though the real betrayers are the lawmakers and fear-mongers. 

I stewed about it for a while, then decided to leave early for my own mental health.

I went home, did my chores and ate a quick meal, then I went to bed and slept for 12 hours. 

It was better, for a while, to not have to deal with my own thoughts.

I’m better now, I guess, and I have a little hope that maybe the tide will turn again and we’ll be able to bring these resources back.  I know it might have helped me when I was an undergraduate there to have found some common ground with someone else who knew what I was going through. 

For now, though, the page is hidden away.  Just as “they” would like us to be, I guess.

If you need me, I’ll be at the Ministry of Truth – sending more webpages down the ‘memory hole’.