a will on the way

Jim and I had been dating a few years when the subject of marriage came up.  Sort of a casual “hey, we should do that,” but not a sense of urgency.  Things were good, we were good, and it seemed a bit like a formality to what we already knew was going to be a long term relationship – as the saying goes.   Also, I don’t think either of us knew who was supposed to do the asking.  

And we talked a few times that if the supreme court ever started getting stupid – i.e. full of people that liked to take other people’s rights away – that we would get married to get this “on the books”.  And then plan a fancier ceremony later on. 

The reasoning being that it is much harder to take something away from someone than it is to keep them from having it in the first place. 

So, in November of 2020, as the high court was being stacked, Jim and I decided the writing was on the wall.    We got our license, got married, and we were official.   And felt a little more secure in the political validity of our relationship.

Fast forward a bit to two weeks ago.  Jim needed to have a document reviewed by a lawyer and he thought it would be a good time to update his will.  I didn’t have one yet and we decided we could get both of those done – along with powers of attorney and all that.

We made an appointment with a lawyer who didn’t mind a house-call – and met with him the Friday before last.   I was ready with my checkbook and pen, but this was just a planning meeting – he would need time to prep the documents.    

So, we planned for another meeting this past Friday and asked our retired neighbor to be a witness.  While we were waiting for the lawyer to arrive, we saw the news about Roe vs. Wade being stuck down – and how the reason behind doing so could also open the door for other rights – including gay marriage – to be struck down as well. 

We were glad again we’d made the decision to get married when we did and also glad we were making the decision on the wills and other documents to support that.    Things we’d maybe started to take for granted now seemed a little less certain.

And then the lawyer was late.  Then very late.  Jim texted him and the guy had a family emergency and forgot us.  He didn’t have the paperwork with him and it just wasn’t going to work out.  So, we rescheduled for this coming Friday.

Jim and I were both anxious yesterday evening and neither of us slept well.

We’ve made good and smart long term decisions for us and the wills are just to reinforce what our marriage provides.  And the odds are against some ruling coming down in a week to nullify that before we can get our wills done.  And the odds are also against anything happening to either of us in the next week before things are signed.

And yet… best laid plans.

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Years ago, on two differnt occasions, I knew young women who had abortions.  They were difficult decisions, painful decisions, but the right decisions for these women at that time in their lives.   For one, I drove her to the provider and waited for her in the waiting room.    I was self-conscious as I sat there – like I needed to tell the other men there that I wasn’t responsible.  Not my finest moment – even just in my head.   

For the other, I checked on her afterwards when her boyfriend brought her back from the appointment – and then gave her the privacy she needed.   Feeling a little helpless that I didn’t know how to make a difficult situation any better. 

Now, the rights those women exercised over their own bodies are in jeopardy.  In some states, I could be arrested for what I had done by helping them – even just by driving or not “reporting”.

Would I have had the courage to still support them?

——

I sit here in the room that my husband and I have labeled “the conservatory” in our castle.  The sun is shining in our quiet neighborhood and I have good wifi and a strong cup of tea.  I have a good job, a good car and a good home.   I have good neighbors and a family that loves me. I am as lucky and safe as I can be. 

But I’m still anxious.  With all that is bad in the world, people in power seem determined to make things worse for everyone else.   And writing about it isn’t helping make much sense of it this time. 

No wisdom today.  No clever answers or observations. 

I think about those women and what they went through all those years ago.  Difficult decisions then, now perhaps impossible ones.   

And I worry for my husband and I  – and what comes next for us.