fear itself

It started for me the night of a tornado. When I was in high school, I was a “tornado watcher” and stood outside in threatening weather to help alert the school. Never did figure out why my parents signed that permission slip – but while I had a healthy respect for them, I wasn’t really afraid of tornados. I knew that with a little awareness and a plan, a person could get to shelter and survive – and that rescue would be on the way.

When the pandemic of 2020 turned into a real thing, I started working from home. I didn’t go out except to get groceries and even in my lonely home I was prepared to shelter in place as long as it took – even if the illness seemed like a distant threat. And then one night, there was a tornado.

And I was scared. Really scared. It wasn’t the tornado itself – it was the fear that if the worst happened help might not come right away and that a hospital wouldn’t be a safe place to recover. The framework of civilization was in question and I felt very much on my own.

I got through the tornado unscathed and tried to find a new version of normal – like so many people did. And then Jim got COVID-19 and my fear for him and fear for myself went through the roof. Nothing I could do to help him – except to promise to look after his pets if he went into the hospital.

I dropped off gatorade on his porch and went back home to worry.

He recovered, thankfully. Again, I searched for normal and thought I had it – and then my job was in jeopardy. I survived with a pay cut and a benefits cost increase, but many of my colleagues were not so lucky. I feared for myself and for them – it remains the worst time to lose a job.

I feared for my rights as a new supreme court emerged. I feared for my county as a hateful retoric found new and louder voices.

And I became exausted of simply being afraid.

So, somewhere in all, I found a way to deal.

My grocery shopping trips became carefully planned surgical strikes. My work from home made me appreciate my connections with my colleagues even more and made me grateful for the job I had. My facemask became my secret identify and my pandemic beard was epic.

And the fear of losing Jim to an illness, the worry that we couldn’t be there for each other, prompted us to start looking for a house together. And with work and stuggle, we found a damn castle for us.

The supreme court? Well, it’s a lot harder to take something away from someone than it is to prevent them from having it in the first place. So, in our delightfully practical way, Jim and I sort of proposed to each other and in a few days, with a simple ceremory, we’ll be married.

I’m not 100% and I haven’t found that “new normal”. And I get overwhelmed all the time and sometimes I just lose it. And that okay – it’s normal to lose it and be overwhelmed sometimes. And it’s okay to be afraid – it’s a scary time right now.

The key, I think, is to try and make thing better. Write poems, check in on people you care about, and keep hoping.

I’m still heading to the basement if a tornado warning goes off – I’m not stupid – but while I’m down there waiting for the storm to pass, I’m taking heart in the good things in my life and the fortune that favors me.

We’ll get through this. And the fear won’t be the end of us.