When I’m around other people with strong emotions, I find myself heading towards an opposite extreme to try and balance things out. Around the loud and manic, I’m quiet and calm. Around the depressed, I try to find a little joy. Angry, I’m kind. Sickly sweet -> angry. Laggards get impatience.
I’m usually well into it before I realize what I’m doing, but I sometimes do this intentionally. I try to be respectful – no jokes at a funeral or “debbie downer” at a celebration – but finding that balance is pretty important to me.
So, I was sorely tested at dinner tonight with Louise. The “Younger” of the Ladies from New York Who Have Returned to New York But are Not Happy There, Louise is in town to sort out some things that didn’t get settled before she left and try and make some plans to perhaps move back to Ohio.
She’s miserable.
Never really a bundle of delight or a barrel of laughs, she was down – even for her. Part of her family wants her to stay in New York and part want her to move back to Ohio. Her Mom doesn’t want to move, but the lack of a car and the small apartment – along with the noise, crowds, traffic, and crime – have got Louise feeling trapped.
She’s started smoking again – and got bronchitis that she delayed getting treated. She’s lost weight, gotten more gray, and is less sturdy than she was.
Now, don’t get me wrong – I still wouldn’t cross her. I would be amazed if she wasn’t “riding dirty” tonight as we went out to eat.
But, she’s conflicted and stressed.
I provided a sympathetic ear and tried to point out the occasional positive. Struggling with that, I shared a couple of fun stories of my own family and tried to lighten things a bit – though I was only a little successful.
We did have a few laughs. I asked her where she wanted to eat and she vetoed one of my suggestions in favor of another – but I got distracted and drove to the vetoed eatery anyway. I was even proud of myself for the good parking space before she asked, “why are we here?”
I provided a little tech support for her phone and shared a positive story about her daughter-in-law – of whom she is not a fan – that might have lit a spark of acceptance and understanding.
Well, I can dream.
At one point she asked if I would call her every so often if she moved back on her own – just to check on her. I guess someone in her family had planted the seed that if she lived on her own she might pass away and it would be days before anyone found her. That of course reminded me of Jeff and my heart broke a little even as I said I would.
I drove her back to her son’s apartment where she’s staying and wished her a good evening and a good day tomorrow with her family.
And then I headed home to hang out with my cat and worry about her. I hope I eased her burdens a bit tonight and for all the struggles of being her friend, I’m glad for it.