anniversary

It’s kind of a weird time for me now.  I’ve got a lot that is making me sad and a lot making me happy.  And like the weather, the two forces are raging around in me.  Well, not the weather now.  More like tornado season later on.  Right now, the weather is just cold and damp.

About a year ago, my former partner Jeff passed away.  We’d been broken up for a few months and I’d moved out.  We still spoke and I had agreed to take him to the airport for a job interview out of state.  I thought that he was finally moving on.  The neighbors suspected something was wrong and I hadn’t heard from him in a few days either.  He had been ill, but no one knew just how ill.  And then he was gone.

I’ve spent this past year with an ache in my heart.  All the things I could have done differently,  all the things I could have said.  I know that I couldn’t have saved him, but I’ve fairly effectively tortured myself with the idea that I could have made the time he had left less terrible.  I’ve been trying to decide if I should make the trip to his hometown where he is buried.  If I should visit his family.  Would it help?  Or make things so much worse?

A few days before I found out about Jeff, I had a date with someone I’d known – but not well – for a few years.   We went out to Fridays for dinner and  had a nice evening.  And after I found out about Jeff and fell apart, he stood by me and helped me get through some dark times.  I wasn’t sure if we could get past that together, but we did and have been dating ever since.  So, this past weekend we had our one year anniversary.  We went out to dinner at Fridays again and exchanged cards.  We’ve met each others friends and family and have survived a vacation together – the surest sign that things are going well.

So, I’ve moved on.  I adopted a cat, made new friends, and kept clinging to the hope that things would get better.  And they have; time – and good people in my life – have helped me heal.

I learned a lot about myself in my 39th year – and a lot about the people around me.  I saw them at their best and their worst.   I was loved, and had my heart torn asunder.  I found the value in the people around me – and the value they found in me.

And I moved on.

So, this week is the anniversary of someone lost, and someone gained.  Chapters closed and those still being written with new stories.  And things are good.

But tonight, as I sit here alone at my computer in the quiet dark of my house, I’m feeling the loss.  I know tomorrow will be another day with new adventures and new experiences – but they feel distant and disconnected right now.

I think I’ll have a hot cup of tea, a warm shower, and an early bedtime.  And with any luck, I won’t dream tonight.