I got up early this morning, got ready in the gigantic and also overpriced hotel room, then had breakfast in the lobby and waited for the rest of the group to join me. We went over to the funeral home where the service was going to be held. So began my morning of totally losing it over and over. I would hold things back for a few minutes, then that terrible pressure would build in my sinuses and forehead and I’d fall apart.
I saw some more of Jeff’s family and his aunt took me aside and told me that whatever I was thinking, none of this was my fault and I did everything I could. On the heels of the comments yesterday, that was pretty amazing.
The funeral directors were careful to include me in with the rest of his family – which did my heart good – and I sat with them through the service. The pastor knew Jeff and had a good message; I’m always a little annoyed when the person trying to speak for someone deceased doesn’t know them, but this lady did a good job. A couple of Jeff’s friends spoke and they did a nice job as well – there’s no way I could have gotten up there and said anything coherent.
After the service I sat in the room with the flowers for a few minutes and lost it again. When I was finally under control – or as close as I was going to get – I followed the family to the luncheon. The food was okay, the company was good, and the cake was excellent. I had two pieces – figured I had earned them.
The drive back home is right around 2 hours and I had a lot of time to think. Too much time, really, but no way around it. At least it was raining – kept my attention and matched my mood. I’m going back to work tomorrow and have promised everyone I’ll keep in touch – and I’ll be on hand to help when they go through his apartment.
I guess this is the part where I start to move forward, but all I really feel is numb. I know it will take time and I really appreciate all my friends who have been so supportive and have had such amazingly kind things to say.
I miss him.