Month: September 2011

I went up to the Cleveland Clinic last night – it was easy enough to find, but they somehow managed to hide the parking deck from me for a bit.  My room-mate is not doing well – they are now starting to talk about liver failure and transplant or at the very least surgery to remove the damaged parts of the liver.

I talked to one of his sisters yesterday – she and the rest of the siblings are trying to sort out the care he will need after the surgery.   I am concerned that they are thinking they can rely on me to do the lion’s share as the primary caregiver.

They didn’t do dialysis yesterday and he got disoriented by the high levels of ammonia in his system.    At 3 am this morning, he called me and said he got up, didn’t know where he was, and tried to leave the hospital.  They got him settled, but it was pretty scary.

I just talked to his social worker this morning and she confirmed that he’s still disoriented.  I’m hoping we’ll know more this afternoon on how they will be able to proceed with him.

I’m tired and feeling more than a little lost.  Guess I’d better get back to work.

On Sunday, my room-mate complained of stomach pain – similar to what he’d had last December when he had to have emergency hernia surgery.  On Monday morning, I took him to the emergency room.   The initial diagnosis was – based on jaundice – was liver failure.  So they did some tests and didn’t find a problem with the liver – but instead, they found gallstones.  The new theory was that a gallstone had passed into the common bile duct and that it was blocking the flow from the gall bladder and the liver.

Yesterday, they started him on dialysis and put in a catheter. Today, dialysis again and then they transferred him to the Cleveland Clinic.

The doctors are planning on more tests to try and figure it out.  His abdomen is distended with fluid, his urine is brown, and he’s weak.  And he can’t breath when he lays flat.

I took Monday off of work and I’ve been going to see him as soon as I’m done with work.  I’ve been trying to keep his family updated as best as I can – though I’m a little cranky that they haven’t stepped up more.

And I’m exhausted.  8 hours of work, 30 min drive to the hospital, then I’m not home until after 9:00.  Tomorrow will be worse – longer drive – but I can’t not go.  I’m really worried for him – he wasn’t in the best of health before this and now… well, I’m really worried.

I gotta close this and try and get some rest – tomorrow will be a long day.

I headed out from work on Friday evening to visit my sister’s family and my folks.  Things didn’t start well – what should have taken me 5 minutes for one leg of the trip took 25.   Some kind of traffic jam for absolutely no reason.  Welcome to labor day weekend.   I had a few more inexplicable jams on the way, but finally arrived at my sister’s house.   We had some pizza and just kinda relaxed.   On Saturday, they had a cookout with lots of their friends.  It was a good time and I think everyone had fun – though it was hotter than blazes with no air movement.

Sunday was a lazy day, we mostly just hung out and played with my niece – she’s good entertainment.  🙂

On Monday, I headed back north to my co-workers daughter’s 1st birthday party.   His in-laws have a pool and we enjoyed it though the weather turned a little cold.  Again, fun party and a good time.

Yesterday, it was back to work and crazy busy.  I had plans for working on some projects last night, but I was just too tired.  So, I just played some minecraft.

The message at the bottom of my receipt from my fuel purchase on Monday read:

THANK YOU
LIVE LONG AND
PROSPER
GOD BLESS
AMERICA

I’m guessing this might just be a small fragment of a run-of-the-mill mental illness, but I’ve had a few moments of what could best be described as “disconnected perception”.

The first was years ago when I was an undergrad on campus and had too little sleep. I had a moment of absolute clarity where I believed that I knew literally everything.  Just a moment of all encompassing knowledge – every thought of every being, the position of every atom, every secret of the universe in one moment.  And then gone the next.

Years after that, I had a moment of utter peace with the universe.  A feeling of being exactly in harmony with everything and perfectly lined up with some cosmic plan.  Again, only a moment of peace in the sunshine and it was gone.

Months ago, I remember walking on campus and I had a moment of feeling that if the force of will that propelled me along my tired path dropped just a little bit more, I might lose my anchor on reality.  I joked about it as a SMEF – Spontaneous Massive Existence Failure – but the weariness  – and emptiness  – was profound.

Today, while I was eating my lunch, I looked up at the sky and imagined my place in the vastness of the universe.  From the planet to the solar system to the galaxy to the supercluster and beyond until my own existence was rendered insignificant.  Instead of feeling comforted about my place, I felt meaningless.

Knowledge, peace, emptiness, and insignificance.    I know full well that I’m attaching too much importance to these moments of disconnected perception – but even an illusion can be food for thought.