I found out early this week that my boss\u2019s father had unexpectedly passed away. I didn\u2019t know the deceased, but I consider my boss my friend and it turns out that I know his…half-sister-in-law? I think – the obituary wasn\u2019t quite clear on how the relationships were organized. Used to work with her many years ago. Anyway, I got the details on where\/when the visitation was being held and decided that I would go and show my support. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The visitation was yesterday and I got there slightly early as I always do. They were just about done setting up and my boss hadn\u2019t yet gone into the viewing room. I walked up to him and he was surprised to see me – and smiled behind his mask. I told him how sorry I was and asked how he was holding up. He said the first few days were toughest, but he was looking forward to getting back to work next week and the ordinary problems there. He then introduced me to his wife – and she said she\u2019d heard of me on campus (she works at UA too) and knew me as \u201cthe web guy\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There are worse things, I\u2019d wager.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I saw and recognized my former co-worker and went over to say hello. She didn\u2019t know me at first until I said my name, then asked me to drop my mask to confirm. She laughed, delighted to see me, then asked me what had happened to my hair – I guess it had been a while since we\u2019d seen each other. She introduced me to her husband and mother-in-law and we chatted for a few minutes, then I went to sit down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I wasn\u2019t quite sure what to do. I couldn\u2019t stay long – it was a work day and I had a meeting – but it felt weird to just leave. So I sat there for a few minutes, waiting for things to officially start so I could officially get in line – and then officially make my leave. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Jim said later that this is \u201ccompound grief\u201d – that when we grieve it brings back all the times we had grieved before. Like muscle memory, perhaps.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I wasn\u2019t grieving, exactly. I felt bad for my friends and what they had gone through, but it was a bit disconnected. But, as I sat there and looked down at the floor, every funeral I\u2019d ever been to came creeping back. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The carpet was a pale, sea-foam green.\u00a0 As tasteful and utterly neutral as possible while still hiding wear and traffic.\u00a0 The same carpet you could find in any funeral home – intended to be unnoticed and serve a function.\u00a0 I looked up at the walls and saw the same prints I\u2019m sure I\u2019d\u00a0 seen before if only I could remember.\u00a0 So utterly bland that you could study them for hours and have every detail slip away if your gaze wavered.\u00a0 I\u2019d never been to this funeral home before, but it was still completely familiar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And in all the sameness, I remembered all the funerals I\u2019d been to and all the chairs I\u2019d sat in while I\u2019d said goodbye – or helped someone else say goodbye.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I felt that compound grief start to well up and the muscle memory start to flex – and I tamped it all down. This was not about me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So, I pulled myself back from my memories and gauged the flow of people traffic.\u00a0 When there was the right kind of lull, I stood and got in line.\u00a0 My boss, his wife, and my former co-worker\u00a0 were all standing together and I talked to them for a few minutes – trying to say the right things and mostly succeeding, I guess –\u00a0 before heading out.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And then I got on with my day. It wasn\u2019t much and I didn\u2019t stay long, but it was the right thing to do. Sometimes all it takes is just showing up and being present for people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve stood in those receiving lines before and it is exhausting and terrible. But I know that each person that stops by with a kind word can, in a small way, make things ever so slightly better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I hope that my presence was a pleasant surprise on a terrible day. And I hope that all of us brief visitors made it a little less terrible for them. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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