{"id":2586,"date":"2021-02-21T17:07:52","date_gmt":"2021-02-21T17:07:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/thunderofwade.com\/blog\/?p=2586"},"modified":"2021-02-21T17:07:52","modified_gmt":"2021-02-21T17:07:52","slug":"feeling-bad-about-feeling-bad","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thunderofwade.com\/blog\/2021\/02\/21\/feeling-bad-about-feeling-bad\/","title":{"rendered":"Feeling bad about feeling bad"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

And feeling worse about feeling good<\/em>…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday morning, Jim drove me to the vet hospital to pick up Thunder\u2019s ashes.\u00a0 They brought out a form for me to sign – because there\u2019s always a form – and handed me a gift bag of sorts.\u00a0Seriously. Thunder\u2019s ashes were in a plastic bag, in a cloth bag, in a decorative tin – along with a condolence card and a cement cast of his paw print.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t expecting that last thing and seeing the print of his tiny paw got me choked up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We went home and I put these things in a box along with some of his toys, his collar, and the paperwork from when I adopted him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And then I went to bed for most of the day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve been doing that a lot more lately – the worst was last week after an impossible day at work.  I logged off, let the dogs out, then went to bed.  I got up a couple hours later to eat a bowl of cereal for dinner, then back to bed for the rest of the night. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Which is not good.  Not by a long shot.  But it\u2019s seductive to sleep your cares away. To not have to think and dwell on…well, everything. Hello, pandemic?   So I sleep and try not to dream.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I\u2019m awake, I\u2019m feeling bad.  And feeling bad about feeling bad.  I recognize my life is still pretty great – shouldn\u2019t that counter work stress and the loss of my cat?    But when I run the emotional math, things don\u2019t balance out.    Even with all the great things, even with all the good luck I have, I\u2019m still down and dazed.  And sleeping too much. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But then I have a moment where things are okay.  The dogs will pile on me and it\u2019s impossible to be sad when they do that.  Or Jim will bring me a cookie unbidden, just because.    And there\u2019s a smile again and some happiness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And then I catch myself.  Wait, why am I happy?  I\u2019m still depressed and overwhelmed – I can\u2019t have it both ways.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But, as Jim has patiently reminded me, none of this is a straight line.  There\u2019s no sequence with grief.  And though I was relieved I had jumped past the Denial and the Anger and went right on into Depression, it didn\u2019t mean I was on a fast track to Acceptance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, I\u2019m staying close to home and trying to keep my tasks and my thoughts small.  Back to work again tomorrow, but for now there are cups of tea and a box of memories.    <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have a warm and safe home. My job is a little miserable right now, but I don\u2019t have to battle traffic or worry that it will just go away.  I have plenty to eat and fast internet – and people that love me.   (I should have ranked \u201cpeople that love me\u201d ahead of \u201cfast internet\u201d, but, well\u2026)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ll get through this.  And I\u2019ll have better days – with more daylight – as time goes on.  And I\u2019m lucky for what I have, even when faced with a loss. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, it\u2019s time to settle down again and sit quietly.\u00a0 And acknowledge that it\u2019s okay to feel bad – and rest when I need to so that I can feel better. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When it\u2019s time.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

And feeling worse about feeling good… Yesterday morning, Jim drove me to the vet hospital to pick up Thunder\u2019s ashes.\u00a0 They brought out a form for me to sign – because there\u2019s always a form – and handed me a gift bag of sorts.\u00a0Seriously. Thunder\u2019s ashes were in a plastic bag, in a cloth bag, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"_bluesky_dont_syndicate":"","_bluesky_syndication_accounts":"","_bluesky_syndication_text":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2586","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"amp_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thunderofwade.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2586","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thunderofwade.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thunderofwade.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thunderofwade.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thunderofwade.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2586"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/thunderofwade.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2586\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2587,"href":"https:\/\/thunderofwade.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2586\/revisions\/2587"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thunderofwade.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2586"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thunderofwade.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2586"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thunderofwade.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2586"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}