I haven't been feeling all that ranty lately, but I did have a surge of annoyance over the weekend. Sunday, late afternoon, I decided on pizza. Since I didn't have sufficient cash on me, I planned to stop by the ATM, then pick up the pizza.
(Incidentally, it's not ATM machine, you idiots. That would be redundant. It stands for "Automated Teller Machine".)
Factoring in travel time, estimated pizza readiness, and time at the ATM - I left 5 minutes after I called.
Everything was going according to plan until I pulled into the ATM. And I was second in line. Behind a mini-van.
Now, my parents have a mini-van and they are very nice, intelligent people.
However, there is a certain stereotype about people who drive these barges -
and that stereotype is that they are idiots.
If you own a mini-van and you're pretty sure you're not an idiot, then please
accept my apology.
If you own a mini-van and you are absolutely certain you're not an idiot, then
you most likely are an idiot and this story is about you.
So, behind the mini-van. Trapped. There are other ATM's, to be sure, but they are too far away or charge too high a fee. This is my only shot.
I'm waiting. They are not doing anything. Finally, a hand reached out and pushes a button. More waiting.
Having used an ATM in the past and not being an idiot, I have a fairly good sense of how long a transaction should take. This was clearly taking too long. More waiting.
Finally, another button push. More waiting, then the hand reaches out again and collects the card. More waiting. The slip pops out of the machine and flaps in the breeze. More waiting. The hand finally retrieves the slip.
Then, the unthinkable. The transaction is complete, and THEY JUST SIT THERE?!?!?!
My pizza is sitting on a warming rack somewhere, slowly turning from a food item to a slab of separated cheese and rock solid crust.
Still, they sit. By this point, I'm wishing I had re-loaded the rocket launchers on my car. Just as well that I didn't, at that range it would have damaged my car too.
Finally, after about 15,000 years, they begin to inch forward. Which makes no sense, the ATM empties out onto an empty parking lot on a Sunday afternoon. They could have put it to the floor and not been in any danger. I've exhausted all of my swear words and have started to make up new ones.
At last, they clear the ATM and trundle their way out to the street. I move forward and my entire transaction takes less than 2 minutes. Including re-buckling my seat belt and shifting into drive.
My precious pizza (my my precious, my precious), is okay. Not as good as if I'd been there when I planned, but not as bad as I had feared.
The moral, again, is one of focus. There is a great big world out there behind the enormous rump of your mini-van. And it might include a really impatient dude in a bright red car with a rocket launcher.
And I've reloaded.
Also, for those of you that have been following along, I didn't find any extra dimensions in my couch. I suspect "they" are on to me. I'll keep you posted.
