Being a fan of horror movies and spy films, I've taken to watching the minions that seek to hinder the "good guy" at the behest of the "bad guy". There's usually at least 2.5 fight scenes where a swarm of minions takes on the "good guy" and they have their asses quite thoroughly kicked. Then at least one scene where they fight and overwhelm him by sheer numbers. The "good guy" then escapes and, after learning the master plan, blows up everything and get the "girl".
But what happens to the minions? The fate of the "bad guy" is always clear - either a horrible, excruciating death or a mysterious vanishing act which means they are coming back for a sequel.
The fate of the minions is, I believe, based on the level of malevolence in their character with a direct correlation in regards to the pain of their demise.
Let's look at a couple of movies - Goldfinger with 007 and Raiders of the Lost Ark with your friend and mine "Indiana" Jones.
The top bad dudes in Raiders.. melt in the end. Melt and explode. Kids...ummm...that's just not good. Serious ick factor - nightmare city. And it's appropriate, in this context, since they are the very most baddest of the bad.
Remember the soldiers in that one? The ones that were just standing around watching? They got their guts blasted out by beams of light. Painful, yes, but darn awful quick. Lower on the bad guy food chain = less horrible death. I mean, they didn't get melted, so it ranked "better".
Somewhere in the minion hierarchy between the nazi soldiers and that creepy nazi dude with the horrible laugh (he melted, keep up, okay?) we could place Odd Job from Goldfinger. Remember him? He threw his hat and decapitated a statue? Him, yeah, that's the one.
Odd Job was a minion who knew what it was to be a minion. He didn't say much, what with him not having a tongue, but that was okay. Minions that talk too much are annoying. He was tough, he didn't take any crap from 007 and wasn't intimidated by him at all. He got electrocuted in the end when he went for his steel rimmed hat. Which is fair - I would rank him slightly higher than the Nazi soldiers, but much lower than the head nazi dude.
And how about the guy that got knocked out by Indiana when the hero needed a better disguise? He lived through the whole thing! Might even still be around today, grandkids and the lot. But was he really a minion? Or was he a lackey? Or even worse, a flunkie?
As I write this I realize there's at least one dissertation in here and it's too much for a blog. One last observation...a word to all the minions out there that are thinking about turning good. DON'T DO IT! You're most likely going to die anyway, but if you turn - the "bad guy" will make sure you pay for it.
Grace Jones - blown up
The confused android chicks suffering from Captain Kirk's mojo - short circuited
The old boyfriend of Laura Croft - shot, but brought back. I'm still going to
count it since Laura had to frell with time itself to undo it.
Hellraiser II's Pinhead - demoted to minion, turned good briefly, got ripped
apart by hooked chains.
The moral, if you're going to be a minion, follow these rules:
Don't have a name or a gimmick - that way leads to painful death.
Follow orders or you'll be shot by the bad guy, they have short tempers.
Never never never ever fall for the "good guy/girl" - you'll turn
and be blown up.
If you get knocked down, stay down and play dead - if you get back up, the "good
guy" is just going to hurt you more.
Good luck, you're going to need it.
